


I Couldn't But Should Have

by Hcjulie



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Betrayed Reid, Can't Face Reid, F/M, Hurt Spencer, Mourning, Reader Runs Away, Reid as bestfriend, Reid is still mourning Maeve, Scared Reid, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5325980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hcjulie/pseuds/Hcjulie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You couldn't do this to him, not with what he's gone through. You were being selfish, you knew, but then you remembered the conviction in his voice when he'd uttered those words to you, "...I don't want to have children because they won't be with her."</p><p>And so you ran.</p><p>You were going to run away. And you would never see those gorgeous hazel eyes you'd fallen so hard for ever again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fight or Flight? I Chose Flight.

You stood in customs, eyes blurry with tears and your hair in a messy bun. Today had gone from awful to absolute disaster in a matter of hours - first you’d woken up feeling like a die hard Taco Bell Fan had taken a shit in your mouth followed by the god awful morning sickness that had haunted you for the last five days. Just the thought of the morning sickness made you drop a hand to rest over your abdomen, your heart clenching in pain as you finally made it through customs and took a seat, waiting at the designated gate to get on your flight.

The pregnancy hadn’t come as a surprise to you - alcohol had been involved, which wasn’t unusual for you. Between feeling abnormally moody and missing your period, you had an idea of what had happened. What had surprised you was with whom you’d managed to mash uglies with..

Spencer Reid. The ridiculously intelligent, smart ass, doctor that you worked with.

The doctor, who, unfortunately, still was not over his deceased ex-girlfriend, Maeve.

You understood that he was still mourning, given that it had happened about 8 months ago. You could see him pull out the book that she’d given him, ‘The Narrative of John Smith’, every so often, the look of fondness that washed over his features was enough to make you want to hug him.

But it had evolved to so much more.

It started off as him coming to your apartment and drinking a few glasses of wine and him telling you all of the things he had wanted with Maeve. He’d wanted to date her and he would talk about her for hours how she just _got him_. A match made in nerdy heaven, you were certain.

But a few glasses of wine later and perhaps a shot of vodka or two to help drown his sorrows, the tension had changed one evening. You couldn’t put your finger on what it was - maybe the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he drank down his shot, or maybe the cute little wince that happened right after drinking the liquor, but you were suddenly in bed together, your limbs tangled within each others and his lips on yours in a glorious, albeit messy, make-out session.

And it had only gone further from there, with the clothes coming off and desperate moans coming from your end just as much as they were coming from his end.

That night had been just over two months ago.

You were roughly 9 weeks along, and even now, his words from that night still cut so deeply within you it made you curl into a ball, huddled up on the bench with your two suitcases next to you and sobs racking your frame.

_Flashback_

_There was a knock at your apartment door._

_You looked up from your position on the couch and got up, glancing at the clock on your way to the door knowing that it could only be one person at this time of night._

_You unlocked the door and Spencer came in, his hair in a wild disarray and his eyes burning with a desperation that you’d never seen in him before._

_“Spence?” You’d asked tentatively before you watched him raid your wine rack and unstopper a bottle of Merlot before greedily drinking it down straight from the bottle._

_It was no secret between the two of you that you suffered from severe insomnia and he took advantage of that quite often, these last few months._

_“Y/N, it’s my fault she died. I should’ve never gotten involved with her. Anyone close to me just gets hurt or winds up getting killed and it’s all my fault!” His voice was croaky and husky with emotion. You immediately walked over to him, taking the wine bottle from him as gently as you could._

_“Oh, honey, it’s not your fault. The unsub was a train wreck from the start, it was just a matter of wrong place and wrong timing,” You cooed softly, trying your best to wrap your arms around his neck, which was ridiculously difficult considering you were all of 5’1 and he was way over 6’0._

_“No it wasn’t,” He moaned out, sinking to his knees in front of you. He buried his head into your stomach and cried. You tried your best to soothe his wracking sobs with quiet murmurs and with running your fingers through his glorious hair, which you knew calmed him down on quite a few occasions - but only if it was you running your fingers through those silky locks. He didn’t tolerate it from anyone else._

_“Hush, I’m sure you’ll find love again, Spence. Any girl would be so, so lucky to have you and to call you theirs,” You’d whispered, kneeling down with him on your kitchen tiles. His eyes were red and puffy and his nose was running and he looked an outright mess. His soul searching eyes bore through yours as he uttered his next sentence._

_“I won’t. It was supposed to be her, Y/N. No one else. I won’t love again and I don’t want to have children because they won’t be with her.”_

_End Flashback_

It’d taken you a while to work up the courage to do this.

You’d spoken to Hotch and despite his pleads to think your decision over, you were adamant.

You couldn’t do that to Spencer. Not after what he’d been through.

You couldn’t just show up at his doorstep and say, “Hey, we had really amazing drunken sex a while back and now you’ve knocked me up while you’re still grieving over your dead ex-girlfriend.”

That would surely go quite well if not shock him back into his old habits. You prayed he wouldn’t, but there were moments when you thought you were going to lose him to the drugs again.

Boarding had opened up and you grabbed your two suitcases. No one but Hotch and JJ knew where you were going. You’d promised the both of them that you would keep in touch once you were settled into your new location and Hotch had already locked down your file - not even Penny would be able to get to it.

You felt horrible, just up and leaving them. You knew that eventually Hotch would tell Rossi, but you made very clear limitations that that was all who had to know. No one else had to know of your whereabouts.

You were just going to disappear. You were going to basically die.

You would be dead to your team and the people that you thought of as family. Your parents had passed away five years ago in a tragic boating accident, leaving you with their sizable estate and small fortune. You would build a life for yourself and your little one and you would fill in the role for both parents.

Because you just couldn’t burden him with this. You _wouldn’t_.

_~With the Others~_

“Has anyone seen Y/N? She hasn’t come into work for the last 3 days,” Morgan had asked one morning. JJ kept a stoic face, simply raising her eyebrows in faux curiosity as she raised her coffee mug to her lips. She and Hotch had agreed that she wouldn’t let the others know that she knew what had happened. Her heart clenched when she saw Spencer look over to her empty desk, his hazel eyes raking over the area that was usually occupied by the cheerful, coffee obsessed agent.

“The last I heard from her she was bed ridden with nausea and that was three days ago,” Spencer replied, his eyes never leaving her desk as he pulled out his phone deftly tapping away at the ancient electronic device. He could still hear you in his head, nagging at him to get a new one.

He went quiet for a moment before putting the phone down on his desk, his eyes switching to it every few seconds and then to the clock that was mounted on the wall. He tried to do some paperwork but JJ was keeping an eye on him. He was distracted.

20 minutes passed in relative silence before a Reid spoke up.

“Guys, I think something’s wrong. She hasn’t answered any of my texts and she usually replies within a 45 second period. She’s always on her phone,” Spencer said, panic rising in his voice as he quickly strode over to the desk that was adjacent to JJ’s. He rifled through her drawers for a bit before slamming the top one shut.

“The picture. It’s gone. The one that we all took at Henry’s birthday party 6 months ago. Y/N had that picture framed and it never left her desk. Something’s wrong, I just know it,” Spencer’s eyes were wide and his heart was pounding in his chest. Had an unsub taken her hostage? Was she hurt? Was she…dead?

“Dude, relax, maybe Y/N has decided to take a hot bath or something. You know women like to soak when they don’t feel good,” Morgan stood up, hearing the panic in his friend’s tone. He knew he ought not to worry but he could also feel that something was wrong. Spencer shook his head, his brown curls flopping about.

“Y/N hates baths. If she was sick, she’d be in bed right now watching Netflix with a giant cup of coffee,” Spencer was rambling now as he scrambled to get his jacket on. He had every intention to go to your apartment before Hotch came out of his office, clearing his throat.

Hotch made sure he didn’t make eye contact with JJ before he surveyed the others with saddened eyes.

“Y/N is gone, everyone. She left 2 days ago…and she isn’t coming back.”


	2. Betrayal

“… _Gone?_ What do you mean, Hotch?” Spencer finally croaked out, his voice coming out hoarse with disbelief.

Morgan looked at his friend worriedly - it wasn’t a secret at all to the team that Spencer had definitely gotten closer to Y/N in the months following Maeve’s death. More than once the two of them had come into the office together, laughing merrily or with Y/N’s cheerful voice nagging him about how much sugar the boy wonder put into his coffee.

_“The sugar is gonna lower the great doctor’s IQ level,” She’d tease as she playfully grabbed his coffee from his hands, twirling out of his grasp when he made a move to retrieve it._

_“That’s a lie and you know it, Y/N. Sugar is only scientifically proven to-“ Spencer started to ramble back the facts he knew by heart. Y/N rolled her eyes as she shoved the warm coffee cup back into his hands._

_“I’m not gonna listen to you, Doctor. Here, drink your liquid diabetes,” She snarked before making her way to her desk where she plopped her massive bag onto the desk. Spencer opened his mouth to respond but was effectively stopped when he received ‘that look’ from Y/N, her (e/c) eyes gazing at him pointedly to tell him to shut the hell up._

_“Shutting up now,” He sighed before taking a seat at his own desk, the tell tale hints of a smile lifting up the corners. Y/N would giggle and coo at how adorable he was from across the office space and he would flush a light shade of pink and duck his head to make it seem that he couldn’t hear her._

Everyone had bets placed to when he would ask her out. Morgan himself had bets placed for within the month - it was closing in on a year since Maeve’s tragic death and he felt that Y/N was patching his broken heart up piece by piece with her positivity.

But now, he could see the glue that held the pieces of his heart together rapidly melting away. He couldn’t deal with another big loss, his emotional state would deteriorate until he eventually did something that was uncharacteristic of him.

Morgan made a mental note to be over at Spencer’s place as often as possible, perhaps even moving in for a few weeks just to make sure that his old habits didn’t come rushing back. Spencer had come clean with his addiction to everyone on the team about 3 months back. He’d wanted everyone to know in the event he did relapse so they could stop him.

JJ looked on with sad eyes, her hands clutching onto her coffee cup in hopes it would stop them from shaking. She wanted so, so badly to tell everyone the reason Y/N had left. She knew about the pregnancy and the drunken hookup. Y/N had shown up at her house the next morning, a sobbing wreck as she tried to piece together the things that had happened the night before. Once the story was out, JJ couldn’t honestly blame her for her decision to flee, Spence had said that he didn’t want children unless they were with Maeve, so of course it broke her heart.

In her defense, she tried to stop Y/N. Spencer had every right to know and be a part of his child’s life even if he said he didn’t want it. Honestly, she knew Spencer would make a fantastic father - he’d probably said those words in his emotionally distressed state and didn’t really mean them.

Hotch didn’t say anything for a few more silent moments, clearly sad about the team’s loss as well.

“She’s been…transferred. That’s all I’m allowed to say,” Hotch finally answered.

Almost immediately Spencer jumped towards his boss, his eyes wild with betrayal and absolute sadness.

“Where, Hotch? _Where has she been moved to?_ ” Morgan grabbed Spencer and hauled him backwards before he could touch their boss. Even Hotch knew about the unsaid feelings between Spencer and Y/N, it was about as obvious as Henry being JJ’s son. They might not have said anything, but everyone knew it was there.

“I’m not allowed to say, Reid. I’m sorry,” Hotch was actually quite sincere when he said this. Spencer twisted out of Morgan’s muscular arms and immediately called for their tech analyst.

“PENELOPE! _PENELOPE?!_ ”

Said tech analyst bustled out of her room, her eyes puffy and red as she’d been informed of your departure an hour earlier.

Spencer came to her, falling to his knees in front of the blonde.

“Find her, please. I can’t lose her too, I _can’t_ ,” Spencer begged and Penelope started crying again as she knelt down to hug him.

“I can’t, Boy Wonder. I’ve already tried. Her file is locked down and I can’t access it, not even with my skills. She’s gone, Reid.” Penelope cried, her nose running and the team watching on as two of their members knelt in the middle of the office space sobbing their hearts out.

“But why didn’t she tell me, _I don’t understand_ ,” Spencer hiccuped , his voice raspy with crying and his eyes glazed over. Morgan could see it starting already, the pain that was too much for the poor guy to handle. He could break into Spencer’s apartment and take all of the Dilaudid before he got home and he would stay there. He could take a few hits and punches for their friend if he needed someone to take his emotions out on.

“She couldn’t, Reid. The division she was sent to is even more classified than what we do,” Hotch answered sternly. Reid’s head dropped as he tried to process the information, running through a list of the divisions that he knew of that dealt with classified information.

There were a lot. _Too many_. She could be anywhere.

JJ watched Morgan quietly move to snag his keys off of his desk and they met eyes. Morgan made a gesture to his arm, where one would naturally shoot a needle in and then made a motion towards the trashcan. JJ nodded and watched her coworker leave with the mission of what he was supposed to do heavy on her mind.

Poor Spencer. He was going to suffer the hard way.

~~~~~With You~~~~~

The flight had been uneventful. You’d tried to sleep but the tears kept coming and it was difficult to sleep when warm tears continued to drip down the bridge of your nose.

When the plane jolted, signaling your arrival, you stood up, your lower back aching with how you’d been huddled up on the chair.

You could feel the pitying looks the other passengers were giving you, you could feel their judgmental gazes, trying to figure out why you, a young, pretty girl, were crying for the entire duration of the flight.

You could hear their whispers.

They thought that your boyfriend had broken up with you.

They thought that you were running away from home.

They thought that a family member had passed away.

What they didn’t know was that you were actually a 24 year old Federal Agent, not a young teenager, even though your youthful looks made them think it.

You’d been thoroughly trained in ballistics, that was your role on the team. You were their ballistics specialist and you were the best shot on the team, better, even then Morgan. Your father had insisted you take firearms training and it eventually grew from something you had to do, to a hobby, and then to your career.

The flight attendant came to you then and you realized that the plane was nearly empty.

You hurriedly picked up your stuff and got off, the smell of the airport greeting you with the scents of nearby restaurants. Caribbean food.

A throat cleared and you looked up, scanning the crowd until you finally landed on the tall, handsome Asian man you’d met on the last case to the island.

“Agent Matthew Simmons, nice to see you again,” You spoke softly, wheeling your two small carry ons with you. The Asian man smiled warmly at you, already knowing of your predicament. He leaned down to give you a quick hug and take your suitcases.

“Agent Y/N, the pleasure is all mine. I welcome you on the behalf of the team to Barbados.”


	3. Settling In

 Morgan had seen quite a lot in his time as a Federal Agent, but the stash of Dilaudid he found in Spencer’s study was something he didn’t know what to do about. He’d counted how many needles there were, disposable, of course because he knew how much of a neat freak the team’s Boy Wonder could be. 

More than 100 needles. 

And enough vials of undiluted Dilaudid to easily keep an addict going strong for a year. 

It made his heart feel heavy as he grabbed a large trash bag and carefully placed the vials in, tossing the needles in as well once making sure they were securely in their plastic packaging. He tied the bag up and left, making sure to lock the front door on his way out.

Spencer would figure it out, eventually. He would be mad that Morgan had gone through his things, of course, but he would get over it.

 And her.  

 They all had to. 

 ~~~~~ With You~~~~~

“Your parents left you quite the place,” Simmons said as he unlocked the front door to the condo that you would call yours now. It was a spacious, three bedroom ocean front condo that would be plenty for you and your little genius.

You winced at the word when it crossed your mind. Genius. 

It wasn’t a secret that you were also at the genius-level of intellect, your IQ just a few points lower than Spencer’s. 

 Your child would pretty much be the next Einstein. 

 ‘ _Reid’s child,’_ You amended in your head.

 ‘ _The child he didn’t want because I’m not Maeve’_

 The thought hurt like a white hot knife being stabbed and twisted in your heart. You looked up when Simmons cleared his throat again. His eyes were full of understanding and he came and wrapped you up in his arms.

 “Hey, Y/N, I know that what you’re going through is unbelievably hard, especially given your circumstances. But…if you need anything, anything at all, don’t be scared to ask. The team here will provide for you and your child to the absolute limit of our abilities. You don’t have to do this alone,” He soothed, his deep voice soft and slightly husky. Even though when you’d met him, you thought he was the king of all pricks, that was just what you needed to hear.

 “Thanks, Simons…Matthew,” You whispered, feeling the tears rolling down your cheeks again and soaking into the man’s dark grey button up. 

 “Anytime, Y/N…if you wanted, I’m just leaving this option to you…but if you wanted me to step in as a father figure for your kid, I will,” Simmons replied, you looked up at him, detecting nothing but sincerity in his eyes. You thought about it for a moment before you nodded.

 “But he has to know that you…aren’t biologically related to him,” You answered. Your child wouldn’t grow up in a lie. Simmons…could be a god father, maybe.

 “Of course, I figured as much. Just let me know if you need anyone to go to your appointments with or if you just…want my company, I’ll be here,” He answered before he let go of you and walked out of your condo, leaving you to your thoughts.

 The condo was fully furnished, and tastefully decorated - your parents had been an architect and interior design duo. You wandered around for a bit, looking at the pictures of them and of you that had been left behind. There was a picture of your parent’s wedding ceremony, one with you right after you’d graduated from the Academy at the ripe young age of 18. The government had been very strictly against you going in so young but with a little help and proof of your skill level with ballistics at that age already, you were in and out with two and a half years. 

 Your hands dropped to cradle your stomach. A bump wasn’t there yet and you were still your tiny self but you could feel him. You were almost positive it was a boy, you didn’t know how or what made you think it, but you just _knew_.

 Your mother would call it mother’s instinct. She’d known before you were even conceived that the child she bore to your father was going to be a girl. 

It was a long moment before you went to your bag and retrieved a small camera. A digital one that you knew if you’d pulled it out in front of Reid he’d make some obscene commentary on it.

You switched it on, pressing the record button before flipping up the lens that allowed you to look at yourself.

Originally, you’d planned to not vlog your journey…but that little voice in your head was protesting.

If you ever saw him again, you knew he’d want to know how everything was.

And so you would vlog at least once a day and tell how your day had been going _just in case_.

You hated yourself for it.

But nonetheless, you smiled at the camera and did a little wave.

Because this was home. And this was the start of your new journey.

Alone. 

~~~~~With Spencer~~~~

Hotch had decided to send Spencer home. He didn’t want fucking sympathy, dammit. He wanted Y/N, back here, in Quantico, where she should be. 

With him.

_Why did she run away?_

He knew there had to be another reason. She loved her job here at the BAU. There was a very good chance that she had actually been transferred, after all, Rossi had commented one day that the team had been lucky to have two geniuses on the team.

Perhaps the government figured that they didn’t need two and actually transferred Y/N out of their division. 

Maybe it did happen.

So why couldn’t he believe it?

The dull ache in his chest hadn’t stopped and he was desperate. He opened the door to the apartment and immediately stopped in his tracks.

“…Morgan? What are you doing here?”

The dark skinned male grinned at him. “I’m here to keep your scrawny ass out of bad habits, Pretty Boy.” 

Spencer sighed, the ache increasing in his chest until he felt like he might actually be having a heart attack.

He knew it wasn’t possible, clearly.

They were both quiet for a while before Spencer finally looked up at him, meeting Derek’s gaze with hollow eyes.

“You’ve gotten rid of my stash, haven’t you? That’s why you left earlier. You thought you were being smooth, but you came here and raided my privacy and took away my only piece of happiness that would help me,” His voice was growing louder and louder, the anger starting to burn through him

_How dare he take away my stash?!_

Derek could see the color rising in his friend’s face.

“Hey, hey, I know you’re upset. We all are, but you don’t need to turn back from being clean these last few months,” He tried to calm down. He was prepared for the punch that was thrown though and didn’t try to block it. If throwing a few punches (as lousy as they were in his opinion) helped him feel better, so be it.

“I’ve been clean for 393 days, so fuck you,” Spencer growled, his eyes still betraying how hurt he was. He knew what he was doing was almost ridiculously irrational, but he just _didn’t care anymore._

Y/N wasn’t here to stop him.

In fact, she was the reason he was like this.

_It’s Y/N’s fault._

Immediately after thinking that, he felt the guilt wash over him. He stopped his punches and just fell to the floor, his body trembling now with sobs he wanted so badly to keep inside. 

God, he hated this. He wanted to hate Y/N, but he knew he couldn’t. 

In fact, if it really came down to it, he’d say he was in love with Y/N. 

Derek grabbed him by the arms and hauled him to sit on the couch, not exactly sure how he should comfort his friend. He raided the fridge and returned with a bottle of chilled wine and two glasses.

Spencer looked up when he heard the bottle pop open.

Derek looked at him when a look of heart brokenness just crossed his face.

“That bottle was from Y/N. She got tired of me stealing hers so she came and gave me a bottle,” His voice sounded bitter now, almost as if he was thinking it was only right that he drink the wine Y/N had left for him on the eve that he found out she’d left. 

Derek gave a soft, sad smile before bringing over the two glasses, handing one to his friend.

He took a sip and almost laughed when he tasted how sweet the wine was. 

Y/N knew him all too well. 

It was just a matter of settling into a life without her now. 

 


	4. Appointment

Chapter 4: Appointment

 

“Ugh,” You muttered to yourself as you leaned your head against the edge of your toilet bowl, flushing down the sick that had erupted from you just moments earlier. The nausea was already beginning to recede but you sat on the tiled flooring for just a few minutes more to make sure, a hand resting on the small bump that had formed in the last 3 weeks.

Glancing down at your tummy, you lightly ran a hand over the taut skin, “You sir, are not going to be a morning person.”

You got up from the cool flooring on slightly shaky legs - the morning sickness always wore you out. Actually, vomiting in general always wore you out, sober or drunk.

The wooziness was starting to fade as well by the time you’d managed to brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash. You looked at your reflection in the large mirror and took in the sallow skin, dark under eyes, and angry patch of acne that had formed on your chin.

Whoever said that pregnancy gave you glowing skin was an outright liar. 

Your hormones were out of whack and your skin had pretty much decided to revolt against the life that was growing inside of you.

Then again, you hadn’t factored in the countless sleepless nights where you would think about ways you could have told _him_. You wondered how he would have taken it.

Would he be happy? Ran and hugged you and picked you up off of the ground with his long, lean arms and spin you around in a giddy circle?

Would he be upset? Blamed himself for not stopping that night.

Would he have asked you to get rid of it? Because you weren’t Maeve?

The thought chilled you as you padded quietly to your kitchen, full of shiny new appliances you’d purchased last week.

You’d never give up your child. That was _murder_. That was specifically the thing you tried to stop in your line of work. 

Sighing softly, you opened your fridge and pulled out some mangoes, bananas, kale, and a bag of frozen blueberries from your freezer. Spencer had always grimaced in distaste when you’d make your breakfast smoothies. He’d sit on your couch, his too sweet coffee in your favorite mug he so loved to steal and maybe a donut or some other unhealthy sweet breakfast item stuffed into his mouth like an adorable little chipmunk.

Your nerdy, sweet chipmunk. 

Throwing your fruit into the blender, you ripped up the kale with your hands and stuffed it down before adding a few cubes of ice and coconut water. The last touch was your protein powder, and you opened the cap and reached in to get a scoop.

Your stomach revolted and the scent of the innocent vanilla powder sent you gagging. You reeled, slamming the lid shut and making it to your sink just in time to start dry heaving into it. Nothing came out but you were stuck in that position long enough for Simmons to come into your apartment and start laughing at you.

The tall Asian man had made it his duty to come by as often as he could, so you made a duplicate key card to your condo. You enjoyed his company and really were quite thankful for everything he did for you.

“Finally find something baby Einstein can’t take?” He asked, the smirk still on his face as you glared at him once the heaving subsided.

“God, he’s just like his father already. Spence hated the smell of that protein powder. He called it ‘that nasty, chemically created vanilla smell’.” You moaned out, taking your still very much full container of protein powder and tossing it towards Simmons.

“I know you work out. It’s a great protein shake that I’ve used for years,” You grumbled, upset that the child has now decided to interfere in your eating habits. 

Just like his father.

Another wince.

Spencer teased you endlessly about your healthy eating lifestyle. Meatless Mondays were spent with you eating veggie stir-fry and Spencer waving a tantalizing plate of chicken masala from his favorite indian restaurant under your nose.

You missed him. And dammit, your heart physically hurt from not being able to see his dorky little smile everyday.

“Thanks for this,” Simmons said, leaving it on your counter. He wriggled car keys at you, “Ready for your appointment?” A glance at your smoothie ingredients still in the blender made your stomach do another flip flop. No breakfast it is, then.

You nodded, biting your lips as you went to your bedroom and quickly applied some makeup - a little foundation to make you seem less like the sleep deprived zombie you are, a brow pomade because you sure as hell weren’t about to sit there and do your eye makeup so you settled for brows, and some tinted lipgloss. 

You hated how much you used this kind of ‘no makeup’ makeup look because it reminded you of Spence.

This was his favorite look on you. 

He loved that fresh look on you because you were naturally beautiful, he’d told you once. You’d rolled your eyes at him before dragging him along to go for coffee.

You sighed before grabbing your phone and wallet before meeting Simmons at the door. He held an arm out to you and you’d stared at him for a second before taking it. 

You would need someone to get through this appointment. 

Simmons could be that someone.

Even if he wasn’t the one you really longed for at your side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, Miss Y/L/N? I’m Dr. Guzman, how are you feeling?” The doctor was young, a guy. You blushed at the thought that you know, he was gonna be _down there_ , because he was attractive as all god damned get out.

You cursed your hormones. First you were retching, then your skin, and now you want to jump your OBGYN’s bones. Bloody fantastic. 

“I’m well, thanks. The morning sickness hasn’t abided yet,” You said as you lay back on the bed, the crinkly paper that was always on the beds rustling as your weight settled on it. The doctor nodded and Simmons was standing off to the side, by your head so he wouldn’t see anything.

“I’m just going to do a quick check, if your don’t mind. It’s not uncommon for women to have yeast infections during the first trimester of their pregnancy, so I’ll just make sure that’s not happening,” He said, flashing a reassuring smile at you. His work was quick and his probing fingers deft and precise - it didn’t take more than a minute.

“You’re all good,” He said as he discarded his gloves before moving to start preparing for the ultrasound. His movements were confident as he turned to you, a small amount of the jelly ready to be spread across your abdomen.

The jelly was _freezing_ and you tried not to jump in surprise when he plopped the goo on your skin. You’d read that the jelly was cold but _damn_ , your skin had to be riddled in goosebumps now.

“I know, it’s cold, I’m sorry,” Dr. Guzman apologized before he quickly placed the probe against your skin. There was a beat of silence before a steady ‘ _thump, thump, thump’_ filled the room.

Your baby’s heartbeat.

You couldn’t stop the tears that weld in your eyes at the sound. It was so strong and healthy!

“Baby is doing very, very well. Quite large at this point in your pregnancy, if I do say so myself so you can expect a healthy sized bundle of joy,” The doctor laughed. He looked up at Simmons.

“And how are you feeling, dad?” There was such a minuscule pause of silence between the doctor’s words and Simmons response that you were surprised at how fast he recovered.

“I, uh, just…wow,” He answered, his eyes on the screen. There was a tomato sized lump that was the baby and the heartbeat was so strong and clear you both were surprised that that sound came from that little blob. 

The rest of the appointment went smoothly and you left with a few pictures of the ultrasound safely in your wallet.

If the day ever came that you did see him again… you would give him one. 

The car ride was quiet with you staring at the picture fondly. You couldn’t believe baby was doing so well, not with the stress you’d been experiencing.

“Thank you… for coming with me,” You said softly. Simmons smiled at you, his eyes crinkling up.

“No problem. I promised Hotch, you know, that I’d care for you. We spoke before your appointment. Your team misses you, he says,” Simmons said, his voice was a little tense with the last part as if he knew you would want to know.

Your imploring gaze was clearly all he needed to answer.

“Your doctor hasn’t been well, but he isn’t bad. He’s sad, a little depressed but he doesn’t let it interfere with work and one of your colleagues, a Derek Morgan, has been staying with him to make sure he hasn’t fallen into certain habits of the past,” Simmons said quietly. You practically sagged against the leather seat in relief. The last thing you wanted was for Spence to turn to drugs. He could hate you all he wanted, but you just hoped he wouldn’t turn to drugs. 

Sure you chatted with JJ at least twice a week and emailed Hotch every two days - that was the agreed upon plan - but they didn’t tell you much about Spencer. Just details from their cases, Derek’s little antics, and Penny’s sassy comebacks were mentioned. 

They’d just said that he was ‘coping’ with his loss. You were hoping they hadn’t meant drugs and now you were just relieved. 

For now, you could feel relieved.

He could hate you all he wanted.

You could deal with it.

 


	5. Longing

Hey guys, I think I'm doing pretty well with my updating, yea? One chapter a day, haha. I have no clue how long I can keep this up though so enjoy it while it lasts! Listen to this gorgeous, sad piece of piano music while you read this chapter! [LISTEN TO ME!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLtBCoE8-iM)

 

Chapter 5: Longing

 

  _What the hell was he doing here?_  

It was a logical question. 

Spencer stood outside of the apartment building that had once been the home of one very much missed person in his life. 

Three weeks. 

She’d left three weeks ago. 21 days. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes. 1,814,400 seconds since the last time he’d seen her. 

He sometimes wondered if he’d cried enough tears so that one second could account for one tear, but that wasn’t technically logical.

Even though his body went through the motions of crying - the tremors, the convulsive moments and dragging, hiccuping coughs - no more tears came.

They’d stopped coming.

He knew the logical reason - even though the emotion was so very much real and grating so painfully within him, his body just…became use to the wracking sobs and it refused to produce anymore tears.

It was almost like his body was telling him to _get the fuck over himself_. 

So, back to the original question - _what the hell was he doing here?_

It was strange, masochistic almost. Being here brought back a slew of memories. Like the time Y/N had begged him to go makeup shopping with her.

_“Come to Sephora with me, Spence! Please?” Those huge (y/e/c) eyes peered up at him from lush dark lashes. Dammit, he hated it when she whipped out the puppy eyes because no one could deny her. Not even Morgan or Hotch and they were men who’d hardened themselves against anything._

_Even they fell for the puppy eyes._

_“Y/N, I don’t have any business going into a makeup store, I can just meet you at the restaurant,” He’d responded good-naturedly, a small smile tugging the corners of his lips as she grabbed his hand and started pulling him in the direction of the makeup mecca._

_“No, you’re coming with. And since you so vehemently denied me, you can carry my shopping bag,” She’d huffed out impatiently before turning on her heel, “And, you can buy me some gelato after dinner. You owe me that much, Spence.”_

_And to the makeup haven they’d gone. Y/N had a habit of spending entirely too much on makeup and Spencer wondered how much of this actually went onto her face considering it never looked like she wore a lot. Or maybe she was just really, really good at making it look subtle and natural._

_“C’mon, Y/N, do you_ _really_ _need three different, er, what is this? Foundations? And do you really need five eyeshadow palettes?” Spencer had the shopping bag hoisted onto his shoulder as Y/N began mindlessly throwing in more products. He watched with mild amusement as she lobbed in a few pricey looking gold lipstick tubes. He glanced at the price and let out a low whistle. $50 a tube._

_“Of course I don’t need it, Spence,” She’d answered him cheerfully, “I just want it.”_

_She’d wracked up a $658 bill._

_What person needed to buy more than $500 worth of makeup in what transaction?_

_He’d complained to her later that night that he thought she was crazy. She’d merely looked at him and smiled prettily._

_“We’re all crazy. Some of us are just a bit more than others.”_

_He’d laughed._

That was one of his favorite memories. It was the one where he’d realized he was beginning to like Y/N as more than just a friend. 

Something about the way her eyes glittered that night, in his company, after her little makeup splurge, and over good food and wine, just felt _right_. Like he could really get used to it.

Like he could get used to seeing her, everyday.

Waking up to her. Watching her bustle around in her kitchen making her disgustingly healthy breakfast smoothie. Taking her out for coffee and other little escapades that now that he thought about it, were very much like dates.

It’d hadn’t been openly spoken, but Spencer could almost say that you two had been in a relationship prior to you leaving. 

He glanced up at the high rise building, the stone exterior looked unwelcoming now when before all he had to think about were good memories. 

Spencer took a deep breath before heading up. He didn’t know why he was doing this, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. This was torture. Maybe he was turning into a masochist because even though it hurt…

It brought back the memories.

_And that was all he had left_.

And _dammit_ , he’d cling to those precious memories and never let go because he was fucking _terrified_ that he’d never see Y/N again. 

Spencer didn’t know if he could do it. He’d search until the ends of the world to bring her back. And then he’d _make damn well sure_ that she knew that this is where she belonged. With him. Here. In Quantico. 

He stood in front of her door. Apartment 321.

His hands shook as he took out the modern key card that she’d made a copy of. He’d been over so often that she’d just given him a key to her apartment.

Spencer found it ironic. 321. Three weeks. Twenty one days since he’d last seen that dazzling smile. 

He flashed it against the scanner and the door clicked softly, signaling that it was unlocked. 

The door opened, revealing the clean apartment. She’d left behind everything, which meant that the place she was transferred too provided for her. The couches had been covered in white sheets. The art work she’d hung on the walls was gone, leaned up against the wall on the floor.The cleaning crew she hired to come in once a week must have done this.

It’d literally looked as if she just got up and left. Disappeared.

_ It looked like she’d died. _

The thought seized him, the idea of seeing her dead body made him choke and he fell to the ground, the tears that came this time were uncontrollable. They streamed down his face and dripped into the deep violet scarf he wore - a gift from Y/N. 

He curled up onto her living room floor, the scent of her perfume still lingered in the air - Y/N had a habit of spritzing her favorite fragrance all over her apartment. She was always buying new fragrances as well. 

This fragrance, she’d told him it was Jimmy Choo. Illicit, he thought. It was sweet, with notes of honey, sandalwood, and jasmine. A modern floral, he remembered her saying. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there, tracing abstract patterns into the plush carpet with his fingertip. It wasn’t until he actually started to pay attention to the way his finger was moving before he realized he was actually signing her name into the carpet in cursive. 

His heart hurt with how much he missed her. 

The tears continued to fall as he immersed himself in their memories together. 

He’d been there when she first moved in.

He’d been there when she’d stumbled in, hungover like you wouldn’t believe and wearing her clothes that she’d left in - He’d teased her mercilessly for her walk of shame. 

He’d been there to witness her outright start bawling when her coffee machine stopped working when all that was wrong had been a pulled out plug. He’d laughed at her then as well. 

And he was here now, waiting for her to come back. Missing her warmth.

Longing for her. 

 


	6. Ache

You sat down after a long day at the office, your back aching something terrible. JJ had been an absolute doll and sent you a lower back heat pack that you could toss in the microwave for a few seconds and it eased away the tension. Speaking of the blonde agent, you were getting ready to chat with her.

The little icon popped up on your computer saying you had an incoming call. You accepted and waited a few seconds before JJ’s tired face came into view. You let out a low whistle before giggling to herself.

“You look like shit. Rough case?” You said, laughing softly when she gave you the evil eye before she too smiled.

“You don’t look that much better, sweetie. Yea, it was rough - a sex trafficking ring. How’re you feeling?” You sighed exasperatedly before holding up the box of lollies you had to keep at your desk because god forbid you have the urge to eat one and there wasn’t one in sight. 

“I wish I could say I didn’t know why I wanted so much sugar but we both know the answer to that,” You say, your hand coming to rest on the bump that was becoming more pronounced. You were coming to the end of week 20 - it’d been two full months since your departure from Quantico. 

“If you didn’t already know who the father was, I’d joke it was Spence. But really, how are you holding up? I know Agent Simmons is trying to be there for you as much as he can, but you just don’t have the emotional bond built up yet that you had with _him_ ,” JJ said, her eyes soft as she stared at you. You sighed, your heart clenching and the tears already building up in your eyes. You hated the hormones the most, out of everything.

“This was my decision, I’ll live with it. It’s hard, of course. Waking up and craving warmth, and then the cravings for sugar that would have Spencer teasing me for days because you know I like to eat clean,” You say softly before reaching for the lollipop because you just really, _really_ needed one. 

“Spence is… he’s trying to be strong, I can tell. He knows that you wouldn’t want him to be mopey, but some days I can tell are harder on him than others. He went to your apartment building. When Morgan didn’t find him at home, he check the library, then his favorite bookstore and coffee shop before stopping by your apartment. Spencer was lying on your living room floor, sleeping,” JJ said. Your heart clenched at the thought of Spencer, _your Spence_ , curled up in your empty apartment.

God, it hurt so fucking much to know that you were hurting him.

But wouldn’t it hurt him even more to know that he had a child but Maeve wasn’t the mother?

You exhaled through your nose harshly before clasping your hands in front of your face and leaning against them, the tears starting to fall.

_Why was this so hard?_

It was supposed to be simple - You found out you were pregnant with a baby genius and you were going to leave because you couldn’t burden Spencer with a child.

“Oh, Y/N…honey, don’t cry. You’re doing so well,” JJ soothed through the video chat. She was hurting because you were hurting - during the two years that you’d worked for the BAU, she’d come to think of you as a daughter.

“I just… _hate_ the thought of hurting him any more than I already have. He doesn’t deserve this,” You answered, hiccuping every so often. JJ looked at you sympathetically.

“He brought this upon himself, you know this.” JJ replied, looking suddenly to her left and leaning out of the frame for just a second. She popped back into view with a giggling Henry in her arms.

“Hi Auntie Y/N!” Henry waved at the camera. You hurriedly dried your tears and managed a smile.

“Hi, sweetie. Are you being a good boy for your mother?” You asked your godson. You were named Godmother alongside Spencer being named Godfather to the blonde haired ball of energy.

Henry nodded before eagerly launching into a story about how he’d helped to save a kitten from a tree with ‘Uncle Spencer’ two days ago. You smiled and nodded when it was appropriate - it wasn’t that you hated talking to your godson, you absolutely adored him, but hearing him talk so highly of his godfather just hit you.

You yawned unexpectedly, causing Henry to stop mid-spiel about cat facts he’d learned from Spencer and scowl at you.

“Auntie Y/N, have you been taking your afternoon naps?” You burst into a fit of giggles - he was just _so cute_. It always happened whenever you babysat him so JJ and Will could have date night - you two cuddled and took a long nap, usually after running around at the park for a few hours.

“No honey, I haven’t. Maybe I’ll go take one now?” You asked him. Henry nodded, the scowl on his face falling back into that huge smile you loved. You said your goodbyes to JJ as well before ending the call.

Shuffling out of the seat, you went into your bedroom and quickly changed into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a hoodie that was actually Spencer’s. It had CalTech emblazoned across the front - you’d stolen it when you had gone to his apartment after a hard night of drinking. It still smelled of him.

You walked to your vanity and picked up a cologne bottle. It was the same fragrance you’d gotten Spencer for Christmas two years ago - he was the hardest to shop for because he didn’t necessarily want typical guy gifts. You’d settled on this particular fragrance because it just matched him so well. You sprayed it on the hoody and closed your eyes, letting the scent take you away.

Yves Saint Laurent. L’Homme. It was considered a fresh green, which aptly fit the description. With notes of bergamot, cedar, white ginger, and violet leaves it was a clean, fresh scent.

The style was considered magnetic, sensual, and intriguing. Which were three words you wouldn’t have chosen to associate your sweet genius.

In your opinion, it was just…..it smelled like _Spencer_. Warm, deep, and sweet. It wasn’t terribly sweet, but it just smelled cozy. 

It reminded you of _home_. Your heart ached with longing.

This heartache was _unbearable_. 

But if there was one thing to be gained from this ache…your hand dropped to your stomach where the bump pressed taut against the skin. You could feel a tiny little nudge and you smiled, crooning softly to your belly.

Your baby genius would be well worth this heartache.

 


	7. Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, it's starting to get interesting...Comment down below what you guys think will happen next! I might pull a few ideas if they can apply!

You _hated_ mornings now.

This child had kept you awake all night with how he continued to press down on your bladder and made you have to go to the bathroom _literally_ every ten minutes. You groaned and tried to turn on your side to sleep but baby genius wasn’t having any of it. He nudged more insistently than ever before he moved and _practically sat_ on the offending organ so you were forced to get up.

With a sigh you sat up in bed, rubbing the fog of sleep from your eyes as you got up to use the bathroom for the hundredth time in the last several hours. As you passed the massive mirror in the bathroom above the sinks, you couldn’t help but pause - baby had practically _exploded_ in your womb in the last few weeks. At the end of week 20, you had a healthy little bump. Now, closing in on week 23, your bump had almost doubled in size.

You almost resented the near constant back aches and the sore, swollen feet, but you knew that you could not blame your little genius for anything. As you finished your business in the bathroom, you heard your door open followed by Agent Simmons cheerful voice.

“Mornin’ Y/N! I’ve got breakfast!” He called out from the kitchen. You struggled to finish brushing your teeth (bending over was getting harder and harder these days), before waddling out to the kitchen to where the scent of freshly baked cinnamon rolls greeted you. Your mouth watered at the smell of sweet cinnamon sugar and you raised an eyebrow at Agent Simmons as you tore off a piece of the roll.

“What’s up?” You asked around a mouthful of the delightful treat – honestly, you knew that your good eating habits had to come back full force after this pregnancy was over. Agent Simmons – you really ought to start calling him Matthew for all that he’s done – just shook his head and smiled at you in an endearing manner.

“Nothing, just thinking about how much your doctor is missing out on,” He looked at you after saying that, gauging your reaction. You didn’t pause at all, your heart clenching slightly with pain but you ignored it. You were getting quite good at ignoring all things that were associated with your beloved doctor.

“He’s the one who pushed me away, technically.” You responded, already beginning to tear into another roll – this appetite was _horrendous_. You couldn’t even begin to count the times you’d sent Matthew out on food hunts just to satiate your need to feed this child. You’d even eaten a whole pizza _and_ a foot-long sub sandwich in one sitting. You didn’t know where it went, but apparently baby was going to inherit his father’s ridiculous metabolism.

“I know, but…you’re kind of cute, shoving cinnamon rolls into your mouth while in sweatpants and with your hair in a bun. It’s very attractive,” Matthew cracked a grin at you and you gave him a playful dirty look, flicking a piece of the icing at the man.

“I’m always cute, even if I’m bloated like a whale and can’t see my feet anymore,” You responded nonchalantly, licking the last of the sweet icing off of your fingers.

“Now, then. I’ll go put some actual clothes on and you can take me to get stuff for baby,” You ordered – you’d already told Matthew you knew the sex of your baby but would not tell him the name you’d already picked out. Matthew sighed and looked at you woefully.

“This is the part where I’ll tell your doctor one day that he should be glad he isn’t here – You’re bossy!” You laughed at him as you shut the door, the fake grin sliding off of your features as you smiled sadly down at your stomach.

Spence wouldn’t have complained.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer was slowly, but surely, killing himself.

He didn’t know why he still continued to come here almost everyday – at least, every available day where he wasn’t on a case and where Morgan wasn’t dragging him around to ‘help’ him.

Going to clubs wasn’t ‘helping’ him in the slightest.

He’d tried to flirt with a few women – Y/N had really opened his eyes up to how many women found him to be attractive and that had helped quite a bit – but he just kept _thinking about her_.

It was driving him crazy.

So he just decided that yes, he was a closet masochist, and that yes, he still missed her like crazy.

He opened the door to her apartment and was greeted to the sound of silence. Nothing moved and he could finally relax. Most days, he would come here and just sit in the living room or at the kitchen island and just _remember_ all of the times he had with Y/N – laughing, teasing, crying…he still remembered it all.

But there was one event that he hadn’t revisited in his memory.

The night where they’d hooked up.

Of course he remembered it, after all he was a genius and had an eidetic memory, because even with the addition of the alcohol, he could still remember her. The taste of her on his tongue, the silkiness of her skin, the lovely strands of her [hair color] tresses fanned out beneath them as he pushed into her over and over again.

Thinking about it now brought a shiver of desire down his spine – he hadn’t necessarily meant for that night to happen. Eventually, yes, he had, but the way it turned out…not so much.

It was sloppy, and he could hardly remember the conversation that had led up to it – that was still very fuzzy to him.

He stood in front of her bedroom door now, scared to walk in but also needing to see the room, just to feel the flashback of their memories together. Spencer took a deep breath before turning the brass handle.

Immediately, the scent of her perfume washed over him. He wanted to step back but he just kept walking, taking in the made bed and the vanity that sat in the corner, the makeup still very much untouched. He could see some of the items that he’d purchased with her that one time, the pricey gold lipstick tubes were still boxed up on the top tier.

That was odd, he couldn’t remember a time when Y/N hadn’t excitedly torn into a box of something new. It wasn’t like her to leave a new item unopened.

He walked around the room, taking in the familiar area and reminiscing to the times where Y/N had nursed him when he’d come here drunken off his ass the nights following Maeve’s death. He could remember the feeling of her silk sheets sliding invitingly along his skin and the cool towel Y/N had placed on his forehead to help him through the awful hangover. His step faltered when he stepped on something. Glancing down, he stooped to inspect the object.

A condom…?

Spencer turned it over in his hands – it wasn’t open.

In fact, this was the brand he personally carried in his wallet for the occasional hookups he’d had in the past.

It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

_Oh no…Oh God No…_

_No, no, no……_

Spencer froze up for a second before hurriedly taking out his phone and dialing Hotch. His boss answered on the first ring.

“Hotch.” The familiar voice suddenly angered Spencer, and he couldn’t stop the angry tears that formed in his eyes. He felt _betrayed_.

“ _Hotch…Was Y/N pregnant when she left?!”_


	8. A Child's Innocence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I applaud CloverLeaf for figuring out how I was going to soften the blow even though I hardly hinted as to what I was going to do (That little bit with Henry was there for a reason).
> 
> Also...please don't hate me for how this chapter ends. I'm giving you guys a fair warning now.

Hotch fought back the sigh that threatened to come over him - he knew what his answer was going to be.

“I wouldn’t know that, Reid. I was only informed of her transfer,” Hotch responded, closing his eyes as the white lie passed his lips. It was partly the truth, in a weird kind of way. Y/N _had_ told him of her leaving at the same time she told him of her pregnancy.

Spencer on the other hand was beginning to hyperventilate.

“She left roughly 9 weeks after that night. Hotch, when you spoke to her, did you see any signs of moodiness, nausea, swelling of the hands and feet -“ Spencer started to rattle off into his phone, his hand tangling into his thick brown curls in distress.

“Y/N was absolutely fine when I spoke to her, Reid. Calm down. What has you so concerned about whether she was pregnant or not?” Hotch looked down at his clenched fist - he _hated_ lying to anyone, let alone one of his longtime friends and coworkers. 

“ _Because I could be the father!”_

Hotch counted to ten in his head before responding. 

“You…and Y/N…were in a relationship?” He tried to let as much surprise ooze into his usually stoic voice as possible - this was not his story to tell. Spencer let out a frustrated growl.

“Yes, No…I’m not really sure, but the fact is that there was a night that we hooked up and I’m in her apartment right now and I just found a condom wrapper on her bedroom floor and it’s not open and-“ 

“Spencer. Calm Down.” It was an order. Spencer’s jaws snapped shut with an audible click.

“I still cannot tell you where she is currently, but rest assured that she passed the health examination needed to transfer and nothing was evidently wrong,” Hotch tried to calm down the doctor. That was true, partially, at least. Spencer exhaled harshly - he wasn’t sure if it was in relief or not. 

“You’re certain?” Spencer questioned, his voice shaky as he continued to stare at the gold foil wrapped contraceptive as if it could be his life line back to Y/N.

“I assure you, I read the report myself.” Hitch answered, thinking back to the file that was among others he had locked down personally. The resident physician that all of the BAU were required to see twice a year had seen to Y/N and assured her of the baby’s health upon her departure. 

As much as he hated to lie like this, Y/N was the one that needed to tell him. She _had_ asked that he and JJ lie if need be to keep her secret. 

Spencer snapped his phone shut angrily, as though he could feel something was evidently _not_ being said. He could sue, if he did find the truth - odds were that Y/N _could_ be pregnant. With his child, perhaps someone else’s, he wasn’t sure.

Pregnant or not, he just wanted to see Y/N again. Well, happy, and safe with him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Spence, do you think you could watch Henry for a little bit? I’m going to speak to Hotch for just a second,” JJ had come into the office today with his blonde haired godson who was now currently hanging off of his neck, spider-monkey style. Spencer just smiled at his godson, rewarded with a bright peal of laughter.

“Yea, you’re good. I’ll teach him a few more facts about cats since he was so excited to save the kitten last week,” Spencer nodded to the blonde agent who disappeared into Hotch’s office. Henry excitedly started rattling off all of the things he’d managed to find out by himself on cats, some being very much true, others…not so much.

“I don’t think cats come from Mars, buddy, they’re actually recorded as being some of Ancient Egypt’s earliest loyal companions, however.” Spencer smiled at Henry who looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Really?! I’ll have to tell Auntie Y/N when I see her!” Henry clapped his hands together excitedly. Spencer’s face suddenly contorted to one of sadness - had no one told Henry that Y/N was gone?

“Henry, buddy…Auntie Y/N is gone,” Spencer lowered the blonde boy down to the ground and knelt to his level. Henry furrowed his eyebrows at him and peered up at Spencer with his bright blue eyes, so similar to his mother’s.

“I know she’s gone. She moved for work but mommy talks to her every week! She talks to Auntie Y/N through the computer and I saw her two nights ago and she didn’t look too good. She said she hadn’t been taking her naps and-“

Spencer had already tuned the little boy out after hearing that JJ talked to her every week. He just got up and turned to Hotch’s office, absentmindedly telling Morgan to watch Henry before he barged into the private room with anger fueling his movements.

“ _You lied.”_

He spat the words out viciously, his eyes burning with absolute betrayal and anger. JJ turned wide eyes to her friend, seeing the betrayal in his eyes and her eyes immediately zeroed outside to where her son was giggling in Morgan’s arms.

“What did he say?” JJ asked softly, her heart breaking to know that this had to be the way he found out.

“Henry said you talked to Y/N _every week_. _Every. Week_. Y/N has been gone for  _11 weeks_ . _That means you’ve had contact with her without telling me for 11 weeks. You said that you didn’t know where she was and_ _you lied_.” Spencer didn’t know why he was crying - was it because his team mates, his _friends_ , lied to him? Was it because someone knew where Y/N was and didn’t tell him despite how much he was driving himself absolutely mad with longing?

“I do talk to her every week, Spence. I keep tabs on her and make sure that she’s settling into her new job well,” JJ tried to approach him but Spencer just backed away, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe you would lie to me like that. JJ, you _know_ how I felt about her. Why would you leave me to suffer like this? Do you want me to hurt like this for forever?” His voice cracked and Spencer fell to his knees, the pain too much for him to handle. Not only was he still not completely over Maeve’s death, but Y/N had willingly left him, and now JJ was _lying_ to him?

“I _do know_ , Spence, but it’s not my place to tell you anything about where Y/N stands in the government now. She’s important, Y/N and higher ranked people realized that,” JJ tried to soothe Spencer but he just shook her off, the thought of someone he used to adore, have a crush on even, lying blatantly to his face made him feel sick.

“I can’t believe this. I’m out,” Spencer muttered, shaking his head wildly so his curls flounced around his head. He stood and walked out of the office, taking his bag and leaving the building that he had called his second home and the place of his beloved work for several years now.

He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to go back.

 


	9. Reluctance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long overdue. I'm trying to make these next few chapters as angsty as possible but I don't know if it's turning out the way I like. Let me know what you guys think in the comments!

Two weeks in and there was no word from Spencer. Morgan had tried to go back, as he’d been pretty much living the small one bedroom apartment with his friend but was rewarded with no answer. He wasn’t there. They didn’t even know where he was. 

JJ sighed as she sat at her desk, resigned to just do the one thing she knew Y/N would resent her for. She opened up the video messenger she used at home on her work computer and called Y/N. Her face popped into view after three short rings.

You immediately recognized the background and made to exit the screen before anyone saw you. JJ looked at you, her deep blue eyes sad as she shook her head and uttered the words you’d hoped you would never hear.

“He knows.”

Your heart stopped beating.

….Did he hate you?

….Was he even there?

_….Could he really not stand the sight of you so much so that he left the office?_

“H-How? I was so _careful_ ,” You whispered, horrified to the amount of pain Spencer must be in. There was a shift in movement in your womb - baby was pretty much in tune with your emotions now and he _did not_ like how distraught his environment was turning. You placed a calming hand on your round tummy, feeling baby nudge against your hand as if he were trying to comfort you.

“Like I said…he goes to your apartment and I know that you didn’t spend much time there after your night,” JJ paused to let you know exactly which night she was referring to, “You spent a lot of time at my house and I guess he went to your apartment and he found…he found a condom on the ground of your bedroom, specifically the brand he carried in his wallet,” The blonde agent finished, gauging your reaction carefully. You kept a straight face even though your emotions were a wreck.

“And…what did you say to him?” You asked, bracing yourself for the truth.

“Hotch lied for you. I didn’t say anything, but Spence being who he is…” She trailed off.

You nodded once, your head drooping, “He figured it out on his own.”

“Well…He didn’t necessarily figure out he was the father, he just figured out that you and I have still been in contact because Henry accidentally told him,” JJ answered apologetically - she wasn’t going to say that she hadn’t seen the young genius in well over two weeks.

You let out a watery laugh - _of course_ your godson had to be the one to break it to him. 

“It’s okay, I’m not mad. I was just hoping to keep this all a secret for a while longer,” You answered, leaning back into your chair. It was at that moment that Garcia decided to come out of her bat cave. She immediately bustled over to the screen, picking the laptop up off the desk and holding it eye level.

“Y/N! How could you leave your sweet technical goddess all by herself for so long?! And how could you not tell me about any of…of _that!?_ ” The blonde haired technical analyst all but cried into the screen. You let out a soft sigh before smiling weakly at your friend.

“Sorry, lovely, it just…happened?” You tried to hint that you didn’t want to talk about it. The glare she leveled at you over her glasses was enough to make you cringe.

“One question though - how is Boy Wonder in bed?”

You’ve never pressed the end call button faster in your life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer slammed back another shot. His eyes were red as he unhurriedly took his wallet out, slapping down a twenty to pay for another round of shots. 

The bar wasn’t a very nice one but it had decent quality alcohol for prices that didn’t outright make him broke. His hair was limp and his face was unshaven - he remembered when Y/N would complain about how prickly he got if he didn’t shave for more than two days.

He surprised himself with how fast his tolerance for alcohol grew in such a short time period. At first, he couldn’t handle more than four drinks without getting drunk. Now, his count was up towards at least 10 drinks before he felt that glorious numbness that helped to blind him from reality. 

Oh, he knew it was a very bad thing for his liver. He could potentially cause himself to get alcohol poisoning at the rate he was going. But with his stash of dilaudid gone, he had to find something else to numb this horrifying pain.

And he found it.

The bar tender pushed another tray of drinks to him and Spencer looked up in thanks, his bloodshot eyes slightly glazed over and his surroundings all but a blur. 

“Hey, kiddo, is there anyone I can call for you? Maybe to get you out of here?” The bartender was an older gentleman and he’d watched the young man in front of him drink himself into a daze almost every day for the last two or so weeks.

“No….no I-I’m fine,” Spencer slurred, his voice coming out in a husky growl. The bartender sighed before slowly taking the phone that Reid had placed on the table next to his apartment keys - the keys he hadn’t used in the days since his confrontation with Hotch and JJ.

He’d been staying in cheap hotels, the occasional hooker to help warm his bed on the especially hard nights. He hadn’t been back to his home or the office since. 

He’d hoped that with each drink or each night with a different woman would help him forget her, but he couldn’t forget those eyes, the way she looked at him was seared into the darkness behind his eyelids. Those [e/c] eyes that just stared at him in worry and hurt as if she knew that what he was doing was _wrong_. 

_But it was all her fault_.

Spencer cursed under his breath as he knocked back another shot.

The bartender quickly took the ancient flip phone and paged through the contacts, keeping an eye on the young fellow - he could see the badge that was clipped the man’s waist and knew that something bad had happened. Either way, he wasn’t comfortable letting a man of his standing wither away into nothing. 

There weren’t too many contacts in the phone but he settled on the contact with SSA written right before it.

“Hotch.” The voice on the other end was deep and full of authority.

“Hi, sir. I’m calling on behalf of an acquaintance of yours? A curly haired fellow - he’s drunken off his arse right now in my bar. I was wondering if you could kindly pick him up?” He murmured into the phone, keeping an eye on Spencer who was starting to look a little more than just pale.

Hotch cursed under his breath, looking at the screen to where your face was currently watching him stoically. Hotch had called you to inform of Spencer’s apparent lack of punctuality and diligence to his job. He was about to reply before you piped up, your eyes full of worry for your best friend. 

“Put the phone on speaker. I’ll let him know there’s a case.” You answered urgently, sitting up in your seat. You weren’t exactly sure what you were doing, but you had to get to him because you knew the rest of your team had tried but they couldn’t get to him, not like you could. 

“Sir, could you please hand the phone to my colleague?”

The bartender looked at the phone skeptically before taking Spencer’s hand and putting the phone in it.

“You’ve got a call, buddy. It was ringing and you weren't gonna answer it.” The bartender said smoothly - he knew that as drunk as Spencer was, he wouldn’t know the difference between left or right let alone the truth behind the situation.

Spencer held the phone of to his ear, his voice hoarse. “What?”

Fresh tears started to fall from your eyes at the sound of his voice - he sounded _awful_. 

“…Spence?” You questioned. There was a pregnant pause.

“ _Y/N.”_ He suddenly sounded much more alert now, his voice thick with emotion.

“Yes, it’s me. There…there’s a case Spence. The team needs you,” You whispered into the screen, hoping your voice carried far enough that he could hear you. Hotch studied your tear stained face in the window - he would grudgingly admit that you’d definitely seen better days. 

“… _I don’t need them_ ,” He growled into the phone, anger seeping into his voice. He still felt betrayed as tears dripped down from his bloodshot eyes. He didn’t even know _why_ he was crying let alone how to stop the tears that fell at the sound of your voice. 

“But they need you, Spence…The victim needs you. It’s a kidnapping,” You answered, reciting the case file that Hotch had described to you.

“… _who is it?_ ” Spencer cursed how his work instincts still bothered him even with all the alcohol in his system.

“A kid, Spence. 6 years old, He’s _Henry’s age_. Imagine if it was _Henry_ who’d been kidnapped,” You pleaded, your tears continuing to fall at the way he was trying to hard to brush the case off.

“He’s _just a kid, Spence_. A baby,” You continued, your hand resting on your round belly when you felt baby kick….as if baby himself acknowledged his father’s voice.

“Baby… _Y/N, are you pregnant?”_

You froze for a second, almost hating that you were going to lie again.

“No, Spence, I’m not.” You could feel the bile rising in your throat at the blatant lie, hating yourself with what you were trying to do.

There was silence on the other end before Spencer responded, his voice resigned and tired.

“Send me the details, Hotch. I’ll meet you and the team there in two days’ time.”

 


	10. Scare

You groaned into your hands, feeling the hot wet tears slide down your face - _what were you doing to yourself?_

‘ _Torture. This is torture,_ ’ You sobbed into your hands, glad that you’d ended the video call when you had. Hearing Spencer like that…hearing the sound of his voice, being able to hear how _broken_ he was.

It _killed_ you on the inside.

Baby kicked feebly in your womb, clearly unhappy with you. You tried to cease your tears but the wracking sobs continued to come out.

_Gods, it felt so good to cry_.

You felt like carrying all of this weight on your shoulders was crushing you, forcing your knees to almost buckle with the emotional toll it was wearing on you. 

You felt a sharp stab of pain in your stomach, causing you to look down. You’d always prided yourself on having a high pain tolerance, but that definitely felt like more than just a pinch of pain by your standards. 

Nothing happened for several minutes, your tears forgotten when the safety of baby clouded your thoughts.

“Are you okay in there, kiddo?” You murmured softly, stroking the taut skin over the large bump - You were roughly 26 weeks along and with that came the ability, or rather, inability to see your feet. You sat still for a second more, trying to focus on what baby was doing inside of you. You felt him shift and then all was silent.

You frowned - should you be alarmed at that unusual stab of pain?

You rose unsteadily onto your feet, gripping the edge of the desk for support as you shuffled to your king sized bed. Matthew had been here earlier, coming to drop off some hot wings for dinner but you found that the smell of them made you gag. You’d settled on eating some strudels he’d brought over the day before and it made you wonder if baby wasn’t happy about your food choices.

You swung your legs up onto the bed and reclined, finding that if you went to lay completely down you would never be able to fall asleep, so you settled on leaning against a mountain of fluffy pillows. Your hands were resting against your stomach comfortably and you were just about to drift to dream land when another sharp twinge of pain startled you back into alertness. 

This time you sat up completely, wincing in pain as another jab startled you - _what on earth was going on in there?_

You quickly got off your bed and stepped into the bathroom, your eyes widening when a trail of rust colored water ran down your leg.

_No.._

_NO!_

You bolted for your phone, dialing Matthew’s number with your heart in your throat and your eyes filling with tears. He picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Matthew, I need to go to the hospital _right now_. I’m bleeding and there were these sharp stabs of pain and-!” You were hyperventilating, you knew this but the overwhelming fear for your child was the only thing on your mind.

“Y/N, calm down. I’m on the way. Sit tight, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” You could hear rustling and then a few muttered curses as Matthew hurriedly got dressed and you could detect the soft click of his car being unlocked followed by a door slamming.

“Deep breaths, Y/N, everything is going to be okay. Stay on the line with me, okay? You’re going to be fine,” Matthew tried to stress the word to you and you could hear the sound of his engine purring as he pressed down on the accelerator.

“Deep breaths,” You reiterated, your body beginning to feel numb as another jab of pain twisted in your belly. You could feel your shorts were slowly becoming more wet with each passing moment and you mechanically shoved them off, not caring in the least about your current state of undress. 

“Yes, deep breaths,” Matthew’s voice was calm as he coached you to inhale and then exhale.

“That’s my girl. Can you walk? I’m coming in now,” Matthew stated and you could hear your front door swing open followed by a few rushed footsteps. Your bedroom door crashed open and suddenly Matthew was there, gripping your shoulders, his features soft as he asked you questions you couldn’t really hear anymore.

_Baby…was your baby going to be okay?_

_Were you already such a bad mother that there was a possibility that you couldn’t keep Baby?_

_And Spencer…oh, poor Spence… he would have made a great father._

_“_ Shit, you’re in shock, aren’t you? Okay, let’s get you to the hospital,” Matthew cursed under his breath as he took in your lack of actual dress. You stared at him dumbly, your emotions in a riot and tears streaming down your face. 

He swung you into his arms bridal style and strode quickly to your door, deciding it would be faster to take the stairs and to not dress you properly. You could distantly hear the door to your condo close and your eyes fluttered shut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Beep…..Beep…..Beep_

You cracked your eyes open, grimacing when you felt how crusty they were. You were thirsty, but you couldn’t for the life of you figure out where you were.

_Baby…!_

Your hands flew to your stomach, relieved beyond measure when you could still feel your belly.

“You’re awake.”

You turned your gaze to the bedside chair, your eyes meeting Matthew’s tired gaze.

“I’m sorry if I scared you,” You whispered, reaching out to take his hand.

“No, its okay. I’m supposed to be stepping in as ‘dad’, remember?” He murmured, leaning forward so that he pressed his forehead to yours. It was soothing, and you looked up into his mocha eyes, hating the part of yourself that was wishing they were the hazel eyes that haunted your dreams.

“Thank you,” you murmured, your eyes fluttering close as he pressed a chaste kiss to your temple.

“Just promise me you won’t scare me like that.”


	11. Full Term

2 months passed in relative peace. Spencer had tried to contact you multiple times through Hotch but you didn’t answer his calls. Hotch or JJ would give you a heads up and you would be certain to be busy with paperwork, or better yet, actually in the office, despite Agent Jack Garrett telling you to stay home.

You were full term now, your belly so large in comparison of to your usually small body (Dr. Guzman said you had a lot of amniotic fluid, which was perfectly normal) that you could hardly bear to wear anything more than sweatpants and loose fitting t-shirts, some of which you stole from Matthew. 

It was unprofessional, but hey, you were pretty much doing office work anyway. Agent Garrett wouldn’t let you out into the field once you hit 6 months, let alone 8 and a half. 

You still kept tabs with JJ and even managed to say hi to Morgan every now and again, but you were studiously doing your best to ignore Reid. The only times you ever saw Morgan was when he was at JJ’s house - he knew about the situation as well and always fought with you about how _he_ should know.

He already knew, you were certain.

You were adamant in your decision though and would stay with it all the way through. Spencer would never be burdened by you. You were _happy_ without him.

At least, you were still trying to convince yourself of that notion. 

You plopped down on your sofa with a huff, a plate of donut holes from a nearby bakery in your hands - the cravings for sugar got worse and worse until it got to the point where you _had_ to have a chocolate bar once a day. Not the little, fun sized one. You had to have one king sized bar a day. And it had to be milk chocolate, mind you. 

Your dentist was going to _murder_ you. 

You propped your plate of sugary treats on top of your belly, content with flipping through some of the reruns of _The Bachelor_ and _Friends_ that you almost didn’t hear your condo door open. You looked up, not expecting to see anyone - maybe Matthew, but you were accustom to him greeting you boisterously as soon as he walked in.

A blonde head bulleted towards you and you immediately set your donuts down before Henry crashed into your legs.

“…Henry?!” You gasped out in surprise, lifting the blonde angel up to sit on your couch. You craned your neck back towards the door so fast you felt like you almost gave yourself whiplash. 

“JJ!” You cried in joy as the familiar agent strolled into you living room. JJ grinned at you and bent down to hug you when you saw yet _another_ familiar face.

“And Will!!” The broody detective smiled at you for once and set down a basket with what looked like sweet and clothes for Baby.

“What brings you guys to Barbados? Why are you here? Is anyone else here?” You rapidly fired off questions, cuddling Henry to your chest as closely as your belly would allow, which wasn’t very much, but the little cherub was all smiles and giggles.

“It’s just us, actually. And Henry,” JJ stated, a secretive little smile on her face. You studied the two of them, between Will’s proud smile and JJ’s tiny smirk, you thoughts clicked in.

“You aren’t!” You squealed, getting up from the couch and waddling over to your friend and hugging her tightly.

“Oh, congratulations guys! How far along are you? Do you know the gender? _Girl_ , you’re still small. Is this sort of like your BabyMoon? I’ll totally watch Henry for you guys any day,” You rambled, as you led everyone into your kitchen, attempting to bend down and pick up the gift basket that Will had brought in. The detective grabbed it before you could heft it’s (rather solid) weight off the floor, smiling softly to you as he placed it on you kitchen counter.

“Nice place you got here,” JJ commented, taking her time and browsing at all of your pictures. You smiled sweetly at her, “Care to join me out here? Matthew is getting annoyed with me, I think.”

“Nah, I’m not. You’re my cute little whale,” Matthew said as he walked in, taking his jacket off and slinging it onto your couch. You rolled your eyes good-naturedly, smacking him lightly on the head as you walked by. 

“You’re lucky that I can take a joke when I hear it,” You said as you began bustling around the kitchen, preparing dinner for an impromptu party of four (and a half, if you count Henry). 

“She hit me the first time I commented on her size when she was with Henry. It was also the last,” Will said, grinning cheekily at his wife when she gave him an ice cold glare, “I love you, sweetie.” 

You laughed at how well Will and JJ fit together. It had been so long since you were this happy - you considered yourself content with what Matthew could offer. Really, you were thankful for him, and you could commend him for his efforts on trying to be there for you, but it just wasn’t quite the same. Perhaps in due time, you would open up and accept him. 

Matt shot a look at you and you smiled at him, both of you just watching the couple bicker. You felt genuinely _happy_ and it had been a long time since that had happened. What with Spencer being a drunk, even though that fiasco ended two months ago, and then trying to ignore him - it was emotionally painful and you hated yourself for it.

You felt a twinge of pain in your belly and your hand dropped down to rest on top of your bump. Your breasts were in a constant state of sensitive and pain so you were pretty much used to being uncomfortable all the time, but that definitely felt like it was a contraction. You paused, counting in your head to see if another one was going to come. 

Sure enough, another one hit you, this one a little stronger than the last. You stumbled slightly, leaning against the counter as you worked to steady your breathing. Matt noticed your change in behavior and was at your side in an instant.

“What’s wrong? Is it more Braxton-Hicks contractions?” He questioned lowly, his mocha eyes roving over your face and taking in the pained expressions you were feebly trying to hide from him.

“I don’t know. I’ve been experiencing them almost all day, on and off, but these felt significantly stronger than what they usually are,” You murmured, trying your best to keep your breathing steady and your heart rate normal. Another one hit you and you groaned out, leaning forward to rest your head against the crook of Matt’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around you protectively, counting with you as you came down from the pain.

You shuddered against him like trembling leaf as another hit you, giving you just barely enough time to breathe in between them.

“Fuck. 120 seconds. You’re definitely in labor now, we have to get you to the hospital _right_ now,” Matt cursed, sweeping you off your feet and marching to the door with a call to JJ and Will over his shoulder.

_ “Y/N is going into labor!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry I haven't updated in literally forever guys, classes started back up and I've been so busy, I can hardly find time to do anything of leisure. 
> 
> Alright guys, that's the end of the main body of the story. From here on out, I'll be writing two different endings and I'm sure you guys have figured it out by now. I'll have one where Spencer does find out, courtesy of JJ and Will and he flies out in time to see the birth of his child. The second one is where he doesn't find out for years, Y/N kind of sort of gets with Matt until the secret comes out at long last. What do you guys think? Which one are you more excited for?


	12. Fight (Alternate Ending #1, Part1)

 

JJ immediately leaped into action, grabbing her bag and a jacket, ordering Will to take care of Henry. Matt carried you down the stairs, his long legs taking each flight in 3 leaps or less - much faster than waiting on the lift for your condominium. You shivered against him, suddenly cold as another contraction rippled through your body, forcing the air from your lungs as the pain shocked down your spine.

Your thoughts were hazy and your heart rate had skyrocketed by the time you reached the car garage. Matt clicked his car unlocked and somewhat unceremoniously shoved you into the passenger side of his convertible. You buckled yourself in and the tall agent all but leaped across the hood of his car in his scramble to get to the driver’s side.

The next thing you knew, you were blazing down the highway, the air tearing at your eyes, causing tears to fall as Matt rushed you to the nearest hospital, which didn't take more than a five minute drive. You could see JJ in a blue rental sedan behind Matt’s car, on the phone and you didn’t pause to think who she might be on the phone with as another contraction tore through your abdomen, this one powerful and painful enough to elicit a whimper of agony from your parched lips. 

Matt swerved into the parking lot of the hospital, his tires screeching against the asphalt and he was next to you again, gingerly helping you into his arms once more after throwing his keys to the nearby valet.

The next few moments were a blur as you were rushed into the delivery room, sweat beads rolling down your neck and moans of pain coming unbidden from your mouth. You could faintly hear the doctors conversing but inside your own head, you were already breathless with excitement.

_Baby was coming!_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer felt uneasy.

He’d been feeling off for the last thirty minutes or so, and he had to wonder if the sandwich from the vending machine had been bad. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out.

JJ? Wasn’t she off on her BabyMoon with Will? Why was she calling him?

He flipped the phone opened and put the device to his ear.

Before he could utter a hello, JJ cut him off, her voice sounding panicked and excited.

“Spence, I know you’re going to hate me for this, but I need you to get on the earliest flight to Barbados, _right now_ , because Y/N is pregnant with your baby and she’s going into labor now.”

_Click._

The dial tone reached his ears and Spencer suddenly forgot to breathe.

_Baby…?_

His heart was lodged in his throat and he was certain he might actually regurgitate the sandwich he’d just eaten.

_Y/N was pregnant with_ _his_ _baby…?_

The phone clattered to the ground as he grabbed his jacket and raced for the door with the only intention to get _to Y/N._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

You were so _goddamn tired._

Who knew that giving birth was so physically exhausting?

And Baby _still wasn’t here._

It’d been nearly 4 hours since your arrival to the hospital and 2 hours into the actual event.

You’d dilated very quickly - reaching the needed 10 cm within the hour of your arrival.

The doctors had said that you were ready to push before they could administer the epidural.

So the pain was insurmountable. 

_Maybe that was why you were so tired._

_“Ms. Y/L/N? I need you to push, honey,_ ” The nurse called from between your propped up legs. As the words were uttered, another contraction seized you and another gasp of pain left you as you pushed, your abdomen clenching and a scream coming forth.

“You’re doing so well, Y/N,” JJ was the only person you’d allowed into the room and she brushed your sweat streaked hair out of your face as you collapsed back against the bed in exhaustion.

“The head is crowning, sweetheart, just a few more pushes!” The nurse said gently, encouraging you as you struggled to inhale as much oxygen as possible.

Outside, Matt was sitting on one of the benches that lined the walls, his head in his hands as he waited to hear the news. His heart was pounding in excitement - he was going to see the kid he was going to _raise_ ; fatherhood was something he’d looked forward to for a few years now.

It was funny, really, how many of the rushing nurses stopped to check on how he was doing - how his nerves were, if he needed anything. He wasn’t deaf to the gossip of the younger nurses, hearing how they thought that the baby would be a stunner with your good looks combined with his.

They thought he was the father.

It brought a smile to his lips.

“ _Y/N!!!_ ”

Matt’s head snapped up, his gaze darkening when a familiar curly haired doctor came rushing out of the lift. 

He stood, his tall physique was enough to cause the doctor to skid to a stop, his hazel eyes wild with panic and excitement.

“Where’s Y/N? Is she in there? How is she? Is the baby here yet? I need to be there with her,” Spencer fired off in rapid succession as he tried to make his way around the imposing agent. Matt grabbed him by the arm and halted his footsteps.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that,” He said softly, his iron grip saying he wanted to do a lot more than just hold him stationary.

“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do, agent? It’s _my_ child being delivered,” Spencer shot, instantly recognizing the tell tale signs of anger and misgivings - years of profiling had made him observant. 

“Y/N doesn’t want you here. I suggest you leave,” Matt answered, his voice taking on a steely edge - if it really came down to it, he could take the young doctor easily in a fight. It didn’t look like the doctor was exceptionally in great physical condition and he could very well put him into a hospital room of his own if Y/N desired it.

“You have no idea what she wants,” Spencer snapped back, his eyes darkening in his anger.

The tension was pierced as another scream echoed from inside the room and both men turned at the sound, Matt’s face contorting into one of agonized helplessness and Spencer looking on in confusion.

“Why is she screaming?” Spencer questioned, making a step toward the door. Matt yanked him back and pushed him against the door harshly.

“Because she dilated too quickly for them to administer the epidural,” Matt growled lowly, his gaze furious as to why the doctor was here - he had absolutely _no reason_ to be here.

“I should be in there with her, she needs someone there,” Spencer retorted, trying to shove the muscular agent away from him.

“JJ is in there with her. I suggest you leave,” He reiterated his previous sentiment.

“Why do you want me away from her so badly? It’s _my child_ being born, not yours,” Spencer snapped, balling his hands into fists.

“It may as well be my child considering I’ve been with her the entire journey where you were absent. In fact, I don’t even think you know the reason why she came here. It was _to get away from you_ ,” Matt snarled, his face inches from Spencer’s as he broke the truth - You’d told him the reason you’d come to Barbados a month after you moved in and had asked if he would well and truly step in as the dad your child would need.

“You may be the father of that child, but Y/N has asked me to be that child’s _dad_ , a position I was more than happy to take,” With that said, Matt stepped away from the shell shocked doctor who stared numbly at the door that separated him and the person he’d missed so terribly along with the child you were bringing into the world.

Another scream ricocheted off the walls, this time louder than the rest and suddenly, the piercing wail of a baby was heard.

Inside, you collapsed against the sweat soaked bed, a breathless, tired smile gracing your features as you held your arms out to greet your little prince.

“Congratulations, Ms. Y/L/N, you have a healthy baby girl!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is part one of the ending everyone wants! I honestly think I'm the only person who wants the ending where Spencer doesn't find out because that's how the original plot line ended in the dream that started this whole story. Any ideas for names? I have the one I want in the event no other name strikes my fancy, but I'll totally be open ears if you guys want to supply names. Thanks for reading and leaving some comments!


	13. Reconciliation (Alternate Ending #1, Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pouring rain where I live and I found myself with a bit of free time so here is the completed part of the FIRST alternate ending. Next, we'll find out how the chance meeting occurs several years into the future. If you guys want me to write the wedding scenes, please let me know in the comment below! Happy Reading!!

“ A girl?” Your eyes widened as the nurse handled you the pink wrapped bundle. You were so _certain_ …

A soft coo came from within the folds of the blanket and your heart melted.

“She’s beautiful, Y/N,” JJ said softly, peering wide eyed at the precious baby girl that was in your arms. She had a thick head of [y/h/c] curls, her features were soft and she had your eye shape and petite facial structure but her _eyes…_

_They were his eyes._

That swirling mixture of green and brown with the gold right along the center that were so like _his_ and you knew if you weren’t already crying tears of excitement, happiness, and a little heartache, you’d start crying right now. 

“She has his eyes,” You whispered softly, chocking on a sob as your baby girl peered up at you from thick lashes. She was quiet, not uttering a word since her opening act and she just looked at you as if she already knew, ‘ _hey, this lady is my mom and I’ve been kicking her bladder like a punching bag for the last several months_ ’.

“Can you go get Matt, please?” You whispered, still staring at your baby girl, raking your eyes over her every feature and memorizing each little detail about her because she was _your_ princess now.

“I’ll go get Agent Simmons,” JJ said quietly, stroking your sweat dampened hair softly before excusing herself to go out into the hall. The nurse was already outside, caught between looking at the two federal agents who had cornered her against the previously closed door.

“I need the father of that child to step in, please,” The nurse stressed, her voice pitching up an octave as both Matt and Spencer answered.

“That would be me,” Matt responded first, moving to step into the room but Spencer gripped his shoulder. 

“No, that’s _my_ child, _”_ Spencer made to pull the taller agent away and the nurse looked back and forth between the two men, refusing to let either into the delivery room.

JJ thanked the Gods above that you were at the far end of the room and couldn’t hear a word of what was being said with the bustle of the doctors and nurses cleaning up.

“I’ll handle this, excuse me,” The blonde agent sighed and quickly gestured for the nurse to retreat back into the room. JJ shut the door and turned to face the two men with stern blue eyes.

“It’s a girl.” She stated, gauging the reactions of both Matt and Spencer. A look of wonderment passed over Spence’s soft facial features while Matt broke out into a shit-eating grin. 

“I have to go see her, I have to go see the both of them, JJ,” Spencer scrambled to push past JJ but she shoved him back with a hard push.

“You are staying right here because Y/N just pushed a damn watermelon out of her vagina without the epidural and she has no idea that _you_ are here. Agent Simmons, you can go in there _,”_ JJ answered curtly, stepping aside for the taller male to enter the delivery room. He cast a grateful smile to the blonde agent and a winning smirk at Spencer before shutting the door. Reid looked at his longtime friend and team mate, absolutely affronted at the fact that the other agent was let in when it was _his_ daughter.

“She’s not ready to see you.” JJ said softly, guiding Spencer to sit on one of the benches that lined the walls. Reid was quiet, his jaw muscle clenching and unclenching. It was silent for a while before he spoke up.

“Is it true? She left because of me?”

Spencer looked up at that moment and JJ could feel her heart break at the sight of those wide hazel eyes brimming with unshed tears. She bit her lip, her own eyes watering at the crushing guilt of keeping this secret for so long.

“Yes.”

The single word answer seemed to knock the breath from Spencer’s lungs and he slumped against the wall, his curly locks shielding his eyes from further view as silent tears and sobs wracked his frame.

“I’m sorry I lied. I was asked to… and so was Hotch,” JJ murmured, hanging her head in shame at keeping such a _huge_ secret for so many months. Spencer cursed softly, looking at JJ with eyes that showed the heartache and the guilt that had obviously built up since Y/N’s departure eight and a half months ago.

“ _Why?”_

JJ was quiet for a second, debating on whether telling the whole story was best or simplifying it down. She chose to simplify it - Y/N would tell the whole story as she saw fit.

“She’s not Maeve, Spence…”

Spencer blinked once, twice, tilting his head in bewilderment.

“Of course she’s not. She’s.. well, she’s Y/N. Beautiful, a genius, our ballistics specialist, my best friend, of course she’s not Maeve, JJ, what does that mean?” Spencer shook his head, the thought of his deceased ex-girlfriend bringing back an acrid, bitter taste in his mouth.

“Think back, Spencer. Think back to a few months after Maeve’s death… what happened between you and Y/N?” JJ stressed the question out, trying to prod the memories that Spencer had obviously kept locked away because he’d assumed he would never see Y/N again.

“I..We.. A _lot_ of alcohol,” Spencer said helplessly, thinking back to the multiple nights where he’d come to visit you and the two of you had spent the night and early mornings finishing bottles of wine at a time alongside vodka and occasional tequila shots.

“And what did you do because of the alcohol?” JJ continued, hating the fact that she felt like a bloody therapist on _this_ particular day.

Spencer’s face flushed a deep red and he nervously looked into JJ’s blue eyes. The blonde agent rolled her eyes good-naturedly and smacked him on the shoulder.

“ _Obviously_. No, I mean what did you _say_?” Spencer was quiet for a second and you could see the moment that the ‘ _She’s not Maeve_ ’ statement made sense to the young doctor because he looked at JJ with wide eyes, the hurt, shame, and guilt evident in the pretty hazel hues.

“It _was_ because of me. I’m the reason she left. _I did this_ ,” Spencer said, groaning into his hands as fresh tears came forward. JJsighed softly and wrapped her favorite genius man into a hug.

“ You were drunk, Spence. You can’t hold yourself accountable completely,” JJ murmured softly before leaning back and brushing away the tears as though he were a toddler.

“Go inside there and meet your princess,” JJ said, a watery smile on her face as she gently pushed him towards the door.

Spencer paused at the door, taking a few deep breaths to steady his nerves before sliding the door open.

By now the doctors had left the room and the only occupants were you and Agent Simmons. A small bundle of pink fabric lay in your arms and Spencer’s eyes zeroed in on that bundle first before slowly raising to meet your eyes which were filled with disbelief.

Agent Simmons leaned down and whispered that he was going to get a coffee and he’d be right down the hall before he swiftly left the room, leveling a weary look at Spencer before finally shutting the door.

He slowly crossed the spacious delivery room, gauging your every reaction before he stopped at the foot of the bed. You stared at him, bewildered at his sudden appearance - you were caught between feeling elation at seeing him again and the fear _because you weren’t who he wanted this with_. 

You subconsciously cuddled your daughter closer to you and Spencer could obviously tell you were distressed about his appearance. He cursed to himself on the inside, knowing that the reason you were acting like a skittish deer was _because of him_. 

And _fuck_ , it didn’t feel good to know that.

“Y/N,” Spencer whispered, keeping his tone gentle as he slowly approached you until he was standing right at the head of the bed. His heart seemed to stop beating when he saw _her_ for the first time.

_She was beautiful_. 

Words couldn’t even describe how beautiful she was. 

Those wide eyes - his eyes - and the subtle pout of her lips that were definitely from you. The thick mop of [y/h/c] curls that lay matted against her head and those chubby cheeks.

She looked like an angel.

She _was_ and angel.

“She’s perfect, Y/N,” Spencer whispered reverently, his hands twitching to hold her because she was _his_. 

You chewed on your lips slightly before shifting the delicate bundle in order to pass her to him.

“Her name.. her name is Elyse Penelope-Diane…Reid,” You said as you gently placed your daughter into his arms - her father’s arms.

“It’s a beautiful name…my mother will be thrilled to meet you, princess,” Spencer cooed, the tears that had been prickling at the corners of his eyes falling because _he was a father now._

The choked sob that you’d held back at finally seeing him again escaped you now, but it wasn’t a sob of sadness or pain.

You were _so happy_. 

And, while you were still sweaty and bloody, you were _happy_. 

And for once, the future didn’t look as bleak as you’d originally imagined it would be.

Spencer shot you a watery smile as he continued to stare in awe at the little cherub nestled into his arms.

“You’re not Maeve… and it was _always going to be with you, Y/N. Always._ ”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Alternate Ending #1 FINISHED

 


	14. Something Stolen (Alternate Ending #2, Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! I've come to post the first part of the second alternate ending. This one is almost solely the delivery process and you'll see snippets from the first part. The second part for this ending will be much, much longer because there will be a couple time skips so stay tuned for that. Don't forget, the meeting will take place in the second part. I will also be writing the wedding scenes for both endings after I've posted the next segment, so all in all, three more chapters until the end. Happy reading! Don't forget to leave a comment!

JJ immediately leaped into action, grabbing her bag and a jacket, ordering Will to take care of Henry. Matt carried you down the stairs, his long legs taking each flight in 3 leaps or less - much faster than waiting on the lift for your condominium. You shivered against him, suddenly cold as another contraction rippled through your body, forcing the air from your lungs as the pain shocked down your spine.

Your thoughts were hazy and your heart rate had skyrocketed by the time you reached the car garage. Matt clicked his car unlocked and somewhat unceremoniously shoved you into the passenger side of his convertible. You buckled yourself in and the tall agent all but leaped across the hood of his car in his scramble to get to the driver’s side.

The next thing you knew, you were blazing down the highway, the air tearing at your eyes, causing tears to fall as Matt rushed you to the nearest hospital, which didn't take more than a five minute drive. You could see JJ in a blue rental sedan behind Matt’s car, on the phone and you didn’t pause to think who she might be on the phone with as another contraction tore through your abdomen, this one powerful and painful enough to elicit a whimper of agony from your parched lips. 

Matt swerved into the parking lot of the hospital, his tires screeching against the asphalt and he was next to you again, gingerly helping you into his arms once more after throwing his keys to the nearby valet.

The next few moments were a blur as you were rushed into the delivery room, sweat beads rolling down your neck and moans of pain coming unbidden from your mouth. You could faintly hear the doctors conversing but inside your own head, you were already breathless with excitement.

_Baby was coming!_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_“Deep breaths, sweetheart_ ,” Matt was standing next to the head of your bed, gently wiping away the sweat that had collected around your hairline. JJ was in the hall, making yet another phone call to Hotch, whom she contacted earlier while driving here.

“How is Y/N?” Hotch’s voice seemed gruff but JJ could hear the underlying excitement that colored her boss’ tone. 

“She’s been in labor for going on three hours. No epidural was administered - she dilated too quickly,” JJ murmured softly, tucking loose blonde strands behind her ear. She winced when your scream reverberated from inside the room.

“Henry was an easy delivery, but I had the epidural. I can’t imagine what it must feel like going without one,” JJ sighed before Hotch agreed. Haley had delivered Jack through a C-section so she hadn’t felt the pain that Y/N must be going through. 

“I’ll call you if anything else happens,” The blonde agent said shortly before ending the call and stepping back into the delivery room. you were leaning on a massive stack of pillows and Matt was coaxing a bit of water into you. Your legs were propped up with a doctor and nurse pair crouching below, their blue gloved hands slicked with blood.

“The head is crowning, Ms. Y/L/N. A few more pushes and you’re done,” The nurse encouraged, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Hear that, Y/N? You’re almost done, baby,” Matt said softly, twining your fingers together as another contraction rushed your exhausted body. You couldn’t hold back the scream that clawed at your raw throat as pain shocked down your spine with such ferocity your vision went dark for a second.

Matt grimaced at your white knuckled, iron grip on his hand but didn’t pull away. Your grip loosed and you gulped down oxygen, bracing yourself for the next one already.

“Just a little more, you’re doing so well,” He continued to encourage you, swiping at the sweat the dotted your flushed skin. You glared at him, willing as much annoyance into your gaze as you could. 

“Tell me that _one more time_ and I’ll -“ you were cut off as another powerful contraction caused you to stop mid-sentence, a pained whimper coming out and your back arching off the sweat soaked bed.

“Okay, no more sweet encouragements. Want me to bark out orders like a drill sergeant?” Matt cracked a small smile as you gave him one last withering look.

“ _Not_ appreciated,” You grumble before you felt the onset of another contraction. This one felt significantly stronger and grit your teeth and let out a very impressive growl for a human as you pushed your baby out the rest of the way. You were rewarded with a piercing wail and you all but collapsed against the bed, a tired smile lighting up your features. You held out your arms impatiently to welcome your sweet, _loud_ prince.

“Congratulations, Ms. Y/L/N, you have a gorgeous baby girl!” The nurse said happily, reaching forward to give you the yellow blanketed bundle. 

“ A girl?” Your eyes widened as the nurse handed you the small bundle. You were so _certain_ …

A soft coo came from within the folds of the blanket and your heart melted.

“She’s stunning,” Matt whispered softly, peering wide eyed at the precious baby girl that was in your arms. She had a thick head of [y/h/c] curls, her features were soft and she had your eye shape and petite facial structure but her _eyes…_

_They were his eyes._

That swirling mixture of green and brown with the gold right along the center that were so like _his_ and you knew if you weren’t already crying tears of excitement, happiness, and a little heartache, you’d start crying right now. 

“She has his eyes,” You whispered softly, chocking on a sob as your baby girl peered up at you from thick lashes. She was quiet, not uttering a word since her opening act and she just looked at you as if she already knew, ‘ _hey, this lady is my mom and I’m the sole source of her gaining about 15 kg.”_

“But she looks just like you,” Matt answered, awed that this little angel was _his_ princess now. He vowed right then and there that she would want for nothing at all.

“She’s beautiful,” JJ had come back into the room after stepping out to make the last call to Hotch to say the delivery was successful. You bit your lips before holding out your baby to Matt. The tall agent looked surprised before awkwardly shaping his muscular arms into the form of a cradle. JJ snorted out in derisive laughter before quickly fixing his posture so that you could settle your now sleeping baby comfortably.

“Her name…Her name is Elyse Diane….Simmons,” You said softly, almost shyly as you looked up at Matt who glanced up sharply in surprise.

“Are you…sure?” Matt replied, surprised that you would spring this on him. You nodded, suddenly feeling self conscious about how you were a sweaty, red-faced mess right now.

“I’m sure…and if it’s okay with you…I’d like to steal your last name too.” You were pretty confident in your decision but _only_ if Matt would agr-

“It seems I might have to turn you two in for thievery on counts of stealing my heart and also my last name!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alternate Ending #2, Part 1 FIN


	15. Alas We Meet (Alternate Ending #2, Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we have reached the end of the plot but don't fret! Read to the end and you might have a chance at reading a sequel! Happy readings and thank you guys so much for the love and support - when I first started writing this, I wasn't expecting more than maybe a comment or two and a few judos but look where we are now! Thank you guys so much and please continue to enjoy my writings!

_8 months later_

You awoke to the sound of Elyse crying through the baby monitor you had situated next to your bed. A groan managed to come out of your throat before you whacked your husband with the pillow that was lying next to you.

“It’s your turn,” You mumble tiredly, burying your face into your pillow. A soft chuckle came from Matt before he nimbly rolled out of bed and padded silently out of the room and down the hall to the nursery - how he never complained about anything you did to him continued to both amaze you and make you appreciate him more and more.

The sleepiness began to fade away as you were left to ponder your thoughts whilst Matt rocked baby Elyse back to sleep. You adored him and really appreciated all that he did to support you and Elyse (though you’d already begun going back to work, in which case Monty would watch over your little princess), and you began to wonder if the weird flip-flopping sensation that you got overtime you saw Matt and Elyse together was _normal_. 

When you’d first given birth and had still healing, you could vividly recall the amount of worry that you’d felt each time he had to leave for a case, especially the days leading up to the wedding. You’d wondered if he would come back to Elyse…and more so, come back to you. 

Spencer was never far from your thoughts - you thought of him each time you looked at your daughter. Even at such a young age, she was demonstrating what could already be an eidetic memory. Her eyes would track the movement of whatever had caught her fancy and she would _study_ it. It never came as a surprise because you had a very high intellect as well, but you were still in shock at how fast she was learning new things. 

Such as the fact that she absolutely hated anything and everything to do with artificial vanilla.

_So_ like her father. 

But…the more you thought about the father of your child, the less you began to think of him romantically, as what you once had. Instead, thoughts of your husband made your heart beat faster and a flush begin to form on your collarbone.

You were cut off mid-thought as the bed sank down. Matt was sitting at the edge of the bed, looking down at you fondly. He laid back on the king sized mattress and you cuddled up to him, using his arm as a pillow. Matt pressed a chaste kiss to your temple and you could feel the grin that stretched across his lips. You sighed in contentment, feeling the warm tide of sleep beckoning towards you.

You were happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_2 years later_

The wind blew through your hair and you could hardly contain your excitement as you walked through the doors of the expensive salon.

You easily found the towering form of your husband standing next to one of the salon chairs, your daughter perched on a booster seat as the hairdresser neatly trimmed off the tips of her shoulder length (y/h/c) curls. Elyse had to have haircuts fairly regularly - she got into anything and everything and it was easier to keep her hair on the shorter side than to constantly have her complain about her hair getting stuck in some unknown substance.

Matt turned when he heard the sharp staccato of your heels against the tile flooring and the smile on his face made your heart flutter - you were so gosh dang in love with the man it hurt.

“Elyse, look who’s here!” Matt turned to his daughter who sat ramrod straight in the seat. The little girl smiled and uttered a simple, “Hi momma!”

“Are you not happy to see me, sweetie?” you quirked an eyebrow at your daughter who usually greeted you boisterously. Matt took the opportunity to steal the iced coffee you’d been sipping on, earning him a judgmental side-eye from you. Elyse attempted to shake her head before the hairdresser quietly chastised her.

“No I am, daddy just says I have to be still for Mrs. Mora,” She chirped, continuing to stare into the mirror and not move as Mrs. Mora deftly snipped at the edges of her hair. You smiled and looped your arm with Matt’s, resting your head against his shoulder.

“And daddy is right, Don’t give Mrs. Mora a hard time,” You answered. Elyse dutifully remained still as her haircut came to an end.

“You were very good today, baby. How about we get some ice-cream?” Matt bent down and swung Elyse into his arms, a girlish squeal coming from her as he tickled her mercilessly.

You shook your head and grinned at them, walking to the front to pay for the cut and leave a generous tip.

The walk to the nearby ice-cream shop didn’t take long with Elyse skipping between you and Matt, her telling you all about how she’d hidden all of Matt’s socks from him and made them almost be late for her hair appointment.

“That’s not very nice of you,” You lightly scolded your daughter but she smiled brightly up at you, “But momma, I rather like the thought of being unpredictable. I can keep you and daddy on your toes!”

At that, both you and Matt smiled knowingly at each other before laughing - some of the things that came out of Elyse were so like yourself that you had to wonder if you had been as much of devious child as she was.

When the ice-cream shop came into view, you could see an elderly lady who was sitting at one of the outdoor tables, her walking stick leaning against the brick wall behind her and her empty ice-cream cup in front of her. The wind knocked the paper cup to the ground and the elderly woman bent down to retrieve the cup before Elyse darted to the woman’s aid, catching the pained face she made as she began to bend down with her analytical hazel eyes.

“We raised a great kid,” You murmured to your husband and he made a noise of agreement as you both watched Elyse discard the rubbish properly in the nearby bin. A moment of silence came before you turned to him, your hand resting on your flat stomach.

“What would you say about us having another one?” You bit your lip and watched his reaction carefully - you knew about the looks he gave you when he thought you weren’t looking, the wistful gaze that made your heart ache.

“Are you…saying we could try?” The note of hopefulness in his voice made you smile before you leaned up on your tip-toes to press a kiss to his cheek.

“We already have, baby. We have another Agent Simmons joining our team in a little over 7 months.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_5 months later_

You swung your swollen feet up onto the bed, sinking into the fluffy comforter and sighing wistfully. Matt was on a case in Singapore and you were worried sick - as you usually were when he left yo to go on a big case overseas. Your son kicked against your ribs, making you look down at your protruding stomach in mild annoyance - true to his father’s physique, your son was _big_. 

This time around, you actually had gotten an ultrasound to determine the gender of your baby and was pleasantly surprised that it was a son this time. Matt’s megawatt smile could have lit up a blackout town with his happiness. This pregnancy had gone by pretty smoothly - no terrible morning sickness, just a constant feeling of lethargy. The cravings were a whole new story on their own, though. With Elyse you’d wanted nothing but _sugar_ \- lollies, chocolates, pastries, you name it. This baby wanted nothing but savory and _salt_. You couldn’t even begin to count how many times you’d ordered hot wings in the last two months from the nearby wing store (with about five extra containers of ranch). 

Speaking about wings…wings sound good right now. You reached for your phone, about to make a call for some wings when the screen lit up with a picture from your wedding day, Matt’s name emblazoned across the screen and a cheery tune blaring from the speakers.

You swiped to answer, leaning into the pillows more so you were more comfortable.

“Hello?” You questioned, smiling when the tired voice of your husband reached you. He recounted the events for you in vivid detail so you could file the paperwork when you got to the office tomorrow. Your bedroom door opened and Elyse came bounding in, attracted to the voice of her father whom you had on speaker phone. She quickly grabbed the phone and greeted Matt with a cheery, “Hi daddy! Did you get the bad guys?”

Matt stopped talking about the case and answered her, “Hi princess! I did catch the bad guys…why aren’t you in bed yet? Isn’t it late?” He questioned. Elyse giggled before looking at you, “Yea, but momma’s gonna order some more chicken so I wanted to eat a little bit before sleep!” At that, Matt started laughing.

“More wings, honey?” You grumbled irately at both your husband and child who teased you mercilessly over the amount of chicken you consumed.

“Yes, and you can’t judge me. You love chicken so of course your son would love chicken,” You harrumphed before smiling at your daughter who stuck her tongue out at you.

Matt chuckled before ending the call, saying that he shouldn’t keep you from your nighttime quest for salt. You sighed at him before placing an order of wings and tenders for 

Elyse, shaking your head at the way those two teamed up against you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_2 months later_

Wow, giving birth with an epidural was so much easier.

You were sprawled out on the hospital bed, your legs propped up and the nurses easing your son out of you. There was hardly any pain and if anything at all, it felt like you were constipated with a giant poo that didn’t want to come out. 

Matt held your hand and counted through the contractions with you, his eyes visibly alight with excitement.

Before you knew it, the sharp cry of your son greeted your ears and you smiled warmly at your husband who stared at the bloodied, damp mass that cried in the doctor’s arms. They cleaned him up and handed him to your husband who expertly held the newborn babe with the awestruck face of a father.

“He’s handsome,” he joked before lowering him into your arms. You cooed at your son and you could see the traces of you that were already visible in his adorable face.

“Welcome to the world, Asher Theodore Simmons.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_3 years later_

You looked at yourself in the full length mirror, dressed in a silver cocktail gown that rippled over your lean physique effortlessly. After giving birth to Asher, a hard workout routine ensured that you were back to pre-pregnancy health within six months so you were able to go on cases again with the team.

A quick spritz of hairspray to keep the last stubborn hairs in place completed your look. The glamorous hair and makeup complimented the stunning gown Matt had purchased for you for the annual FBI Christmas Ball. An invitation had been extended to you and Matt every year every year but circumstances never allowed it until this year and you were suddenly nervous about whether Spencer would be here. You knew he more than likely was because you’d caught a glimpse of Hotch and a much older Jack.

You sprayed on some of your favorite perfume before turning when a knock sounded at your door. You opened it, revealing your husband dressed like a true gentleman in an all black suit. A smirk quirked at the corner of your lips when you saw his heated gaze travel down your body before he met your eyes, offering an arm to you so you could both head down together.

“Where are the children?” You murmured softly, taking the steps of the grand staircase carefully with one hand gripping your husband’s bicep and one holding the garland wrapped banister.

“Eli is mingling with the other children near the foyer and JJ refuses to let Ash out of her arms - she’s infatuated with him,” Matt chuckled softly, leading you into the grand hall where the main ball was happening. Familiar faces greeted you and the names flowed from both you and Matt as you greeted each agent politely.

You caught sight of JJ who was speaking to an older looking Hotch while bouncing Ash in her arms, though he was honestly much too big to be held at this point in time. You joined them, greeting your former boss with happiness.

“It’s so good to see you again Hotch, video calls do no justice,” You said, pulling the older man into a big hug. You pulled away and Matt reached out to give a firm handshake.

“I’m sure you remember my husband, Matthew Simmons,” Hotch shook Matt’s hand, before pulling him away from you so they could do who knows what. Matt flashed a reassuring smile at you before mingling with the other agents. JJ turned to you and you hugged her around your son who mumbled an adorable, “Hi mummy!”

“It’s so good to see you! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it to baby Michael’s birthday party - We were in Russia taking down a sex trafficking ring,” You said casually as both you and JJ walked to get refreshments. JJ said it was fine before trying to coax a bit of cookie into Ash who happily accepted. You couldn’t help but look around, your eyes searching for the one figure who’d plagued your thoughts for the last six and a half years.

JJ smiled at you knowingly, “He’s here Y/N…and he’s engaged.”

You raised your eyebrows, happy that Spence had moved on and anxious to know his reaction - Elyse already knew that Matt wasn’t her biological father. The little girl had asked out of the blue who her ‘real’ father was because she said she didn’t have ‘daddy’s eyes’ before quickly backtracking and saying that no matter who her really father was, Matt would always be her daddy which was incredibly adorable. 

“Oh really? She must be a hell of a woman to catch his attention,” You said softly, relieved that he wasn’t hung up on you or still moping over Maeve.

“She is…she kind of reminds me of you actually. Sassy beyond anyone I know of except you and bold to the point where I’m almost afraid to take her into public because I don’t know what’s going to come out of her mouth,” JJ laughed, setting Ash down and watching him toddle off, more than likely in search of his father. You weren’t worried; almost everyone knew he was Matt’s son at this point from his constant bragging so he was safe in the presence of so many unfamiliar people. 

“He’s over there,” JJ murmured and you turned, catching sight of the messy brown curls you adored so long ago, a scrawny arm wrapped around the waist of a female who looked quite pretty and very down to earth. They made a cute couple.

“I should go greet him,” You said, steeling your notorious confidence and striding towards the man you once deigned to call your lover in your thoughts.

“Spence,” You called out, seeing his back straighten at your voice. He turned slowly and you could see too many emotions flit within those expressive hazel eyes - the very same ones your daughter had. 

“ _Y/N_ …Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here…or ever, _”_ Spencer pulled you into a bone crushing hug and you hugged him back lightly before stepping back and greeting his fiancé.

“I’m Y/N, I worked with Spencer six and a half years ago but have since switched teams,” You greeted her. She smiled softly, showing pearly whites before extending a hand towards you.

“Malia, a pleasure to see you. Spence has told me a lot about you,” She purposefully shook hands with her left hand to show off the emerald engagement ring and you snorted to yourself internally when she visibly looked relieved upon zeroing in on your wedding band. Spencer also looked at your ring finger which sported the lovely diamond ring Matt had proposed to you with (he was so old fashioned and you teased him mercilessly over it because you had asked him essentially) and also the white gold wedding band on your finger.

“You’re married now,” He said slowly before catching your gaze. You managed a weak smile before looking at your own rings, sighing softly, “Yes, and also with-“

The sound of pitter-pattering feet made your mother’s instinct go off and you turned in time to see Elyse carrying Ash by his underarms, the latter of which had fat tears rolling down his face.

You bent down and scooped up your son, raising an inquiring brow to Elyse who just shrugged nonchalantly at you. 

“I found him next to a puddle of spilt juice after I heard him cry for you and daddy,” Elyse answered, cocking her head as she studied Reid.

“Are they your kids?” Spencer questioned, bending down to Elyse’s height. You nodded before quickly calling out for Eli to stay with Reid and rushing to the bathroom when you felt the tell-tale jerk from your son that meant vomit was soon to come.

You made it just in time with seconds to spare as Ash heaved into the toilet you held him over. The sick was tinged with purple and you felt the alarm rush through you when the light scent of wine hit your nose. Eli had said she’d seen him next to a puddle of spilt ‘juice’…could it be possible he’d ingested wine on accident?

You pondered these things before the door to the women’s bathroom exploded open and a red faced Reid stormed in. You straightened yourself, half of your attention on your son, the other half on the father of your daughter.

“I just asked how old _your daughter_ was and she responded with a classic ‘six years, four months, three days, and seventeen hours’,” Reid snarled at you, obviously angry because ‘ _gee, I wonder who she sounded like when she said that?’_. You let the polite facade fade away and the ice cold look you gave him made him _take a step back_. 

“I will not deny the obvious for you have figured it out yourself,” You said cooly, cradling your son to you after he’d finished, rocking him into a light sleep.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Spencer said, taking a step forward - you could see the pain and grief in his eyes. He was upset, understandably, but you felt like you had done what was best.

“I was, tonight actually. But do not forget that you are to blame for my leaving,” You shot back, taking a paper towel and wiping at Ash’s face.

“ _How could it be my fault? I would have been there for you and for h-_ “ Spencer started ranting before you cut him off sharply.

“But would you really considering I’m not Maeve?” You could feel the anger that pulsed through you but you were notorious for keeping your emotions in check. Spencer’s jaw clicked with an audible sound and he looked at you, his eyes searching your face for what you meant by those words.

“You told me you did not want children because they were not with her,” You said flatly, rocking your now sleeping son gently. The realization that hit Spencer made him breathless- and not in a good way.

“D-did I say that? Surely no-“

“But you did.”

Silence reigned supreme in the small restroom before the door opened again, this time your husband coming in. Matt frowned at Spencer but simply nodded at you before taking his sleeping son carefully into his arms - he knew this was something you needed to do on your own. He left with one last look at you over his shoulder but you nodded your head again. You would be able to handle this.

“I did this,” Spencer fell to the ground and groaned into his hands. You knelt down beside him but didn’t move to cease his quiet sobs.

“I was upset and it was a spur of the moment decision to leave but I have Matt and now Asher and we’re happy as a family. If Elyse wills it, however, I will not stand in your way to be a part of her life. She deserves it and so do you…I’m sorry it had to happen like this,” You apologized sincerely, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple. Spencer nodded his head, managing to compose himself in a short amount of time.

“I’d like that…Malia is smitten with her,” Spencer choked out a small laugh and you smiled softly.

“She has a habit of making everyone fall for her,” You said, standing and going to the sinks to wash your hands.

“She gets that from you,” Spencer replied, and for the first time, you could see the grudge he held against you fade away only to be replaced with happiness…and hope.

“I know, but her eidetic memory is _all_ you,” You teased, going to the door and opening it. Spencer smiled and shook his head, laughing at your familiar sense of humor before the two of you headed out to find your princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alternate Ending #2, Part 2 FIN

Thank you guys so much for continuing and finishing this journey with me. Please comment below if you guys maybe want me to write a sequel and tell me what you want to happen!


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